Things I want to say..

  I guess the story technically starts years and years ago, when Lu's dad, our mom, && I chased you down the Natchez trace at 90+ miles an hour, to stop you from painting the inside of your truck in brain matter. You wanted an opened casket you said, && you wouldn't be able to have that with that being your way to go.  So let's go back to January 31, 2021 . We had a normal conversation throughout the day, but it was the end of the day when I got worried. I remember an uneasy feeling in my heart, and looking at someone saying, something's not right this time. No matter how many times I called, you wouldn't pick up. So we continued to text. You said you didn't have good service at Tottys, which I felt was a crock of shit until I went in that house lol. I remember you saying it was your fault. && mid text, I fell asleep. Lu was only a few weeks old; I was so tired. I remember waking up from a dead sleep around 5:35 in the morning, because my...

Maybe it's just too hard for me to grasp (I started typing this MONTHS ago sister. It's been a while) The title, it was part of your note. && Sister, I'm here to tell you, I can't.  There was no being happy after you left.  Here we are, January 6th. Tinys first bday.  Charity's 6th anniversary, of the day she died. She's been gone six years today sister. && The hurt hasn't decreased in any form. I still cry when I start thinking about her.  Just like I do when I think about you. && Padre.  My list grew a little more the other day. Billie. My sponsor, I hope you were there waiting for her too sister. You knew how important she was to me. I'm happy y'all two had met.  I've decided I'm pulling myself out of of this fucking hole I've managed to get myself in.  I called to have my meds refilled. && Re-evaluated. I need the help sister. Its getting so bad again.  I miss you today sister. It's so w...

Life is weird. Grief is weird.  && I had this entire thing thought out in my head, && I lost it.  Day three of starting this... It's so weird, to be trapped in your own head, knowing you should have full control, but you yourself, are stopping you. Your insecurities, self doubt. All of it.  I drove today sister.  I drove to padres house because mother is in the hospital for emergency surgery on her gallbladder which they just removed entirely.  But I got to talk to padre. I just laid on the bed, && talked. *Deep sigh* I miss you guys.  It all hit yesterday.. I know why he was so scared to leave.  He was terrified mother && I would feel like he did after he lost his brothers. Alone.  No matter how many times we told him he wasn't alone, he didn't listen, but I don't think we did that well at showing him we truly were there.  It wasn't until after you died Tay, that he started telling me how dark his mind really ...

Today's been hell. Full of nothing but literally nothing.  I've been sad. I miss you so much.  This popped up on my memories today, && honestly I've been dreading it since February 1st.  Because for some stupid reason, that was one of the things I thought about as I was staring at you on that table. That days been playing over && over in my head.  Walking into that room in the hospital. Rachel holding my hand, you were covered, && for some stupid reason, I kept thinking, no, it's not her. It doesn't even look like her under that sheet.  But there you were. Hair in a messy bun, I could see where you had been crying.  I remember holding mother's face as she kept kissing you && repeating your name. I had to hold her face && tell her to breathe.  I walked over to padre as he sat in that chair asking why over && over.  I kissed you, I hugged you, I played with your hair. They had you covered in ice to pre...

She was so scared. we sat her on the couch, && she kept saying she was so scared.  So when Kristen, looked at her, she told her that you had died. You were sick for a long time. && You died. You lost.  I was so mad at you Taylor. For making me do this again.  I thought I was done when I told the boys. But no. The look in her eyes sister. She fell apart.  She cried. && Asked if you were in heaven...  && The reality is, that you're not..... && It fucking kills me.  Being stuck in pergatory for forever doesn't sound like fucking heaven..... But you know... You thought that was your best option..  I'm sorry .. the drugs made you think that was your best option..  I can't believe you left this little girl. She was your world. You could had won her back Taylor. You know you could had.  So I started writing that yesterday... Today's the 22nd. The day after our adopted sisters birthday, the day after we broke t...

I'm watching the great Gatsby sister. My fucking favorite movie. && It does nothing but make me miss you more. I haven't watched it since we watched it.  && .... Just today, I'm so mad at you.  I talked someone out of suicide the other night... && It made me even madder at you.  Because, I did it. She didn't carry through with it. && All I could feel, was hope. Because the worst feeling in the world, is saying that someone you love, chose to leave.  I've needed you so bad.  I've had to help with date nights. Which was always your thing. The attempt in application of eyelashes... Again, definitely your thing. && Now I want extensions && guess who's damn thing that was?!?  You always used to say you werent the crafty one. But in reality sister, we both were. You focused your art on writing, && makeup.  Mine simply goes on a canvas, or in resin.  We used music to cope a lot. && You've ru...

I ran across this picture, while looking for pictures to send to Christina. && Was instantly flooded with memories.  After that, I had to put my phone down. I had to reground myself. ((Thanks Pinterest)) && I had to breathe.  I want to punch you so bad this week. && I honestly couldn't tell you why.  My therapist made me realize, you truly were my person. Why am I struggling to open up to people? Because you were who I went to...  Why am I struggling with my mental on the whole religion topic?  Because that was what we did for each other... We gave each other hope that maybe there is a god && maybe he really is watching us && maybe we'll all be together again...  Why am I struggling with sobriety?  Because you chose to use before you passed on. To whatever freaking realm you're in.. && you promised me.... You promised Taylor....  Why am I struggling with anger?  Because I can't physi...

I like how as soon as I started trying to write this, both the cats, whom you would love, try to escape from the screen door to love me.. theyre very keen on when they're needed if you know what I mean.  Anyways. Idk what it is about today. I really don't.  Maybe it was when Anthony called me out on my shit as to why I get so anxious to leave the state now...  "Because the last time you left, you knew something was wrong"  && What I said, I guess made me process everything.  "It wouldn't had mattered if I was in this state or not... She made her decision" && That was it ..  This morning when I got the creamer out of the fridge, I just touched the picture of us, on the fridge, put my head down, && tried to remember the good.  That's what the therapist tells me to do anyways. When you get like that, think of the good.  && The good is what makes me so sad ..   I don't think you realized, here we are, almost h...

It's been, a whole minute. A good while since I've posted anything.  I've been trying to keep my mind occupied, by not talking about you which, in the end, wasn't doing very well for me.. I've tried everything. ((Maybe not everything because I'm not going to that extreme)) but that's besides the point.  I've been stuck on these damn plates lately && I honestly couldn't even tell you why.  But every time I saw them, my heart would start racing, && all I could hear, was the boys laughing seriously with each other for one of the last times I think I've ever heard them all laugh together like that....  The night of everything sister.  I had to tell the boys. I had already kept them in school just to be able to help with everything.  They deserved to know.  So the oven was preheated. && I tried to keep as busy as I could.  I remember, all of them laughing around the table, in the rooms, && I just sat on the ...

June 1st.  17.381 weeks. 2,890 hours && 9 mins from the time I'm writing this, 10,404,609 seconds.  That's four months ..  June 2nd.  17 weeks. 2 days. 2,912 hours 16 minutes, 10,484,230 seconds.  I miss you. I love you. your birthday is so close.  Why couldn't you stay?  Today's hard sister.  Today's so so hard.  June 3rd. 122 days, 17 weeks 3 days. 2,937 hours 34 minutes, 10575358 seconds.  This dream I had, on the first. I can't explain it. But you were there. && You didn't say anything. You just had this grin. What I said, is what confuses me.  A text to Austin && Rachel: "Like... It truly doesn't make sense. You were there. && You kept saying, she's here, be happy.  && I stared at her && she wasn't saying anything. She just, grinned.  I looked at you && said "how can I be happy. Just because she's here, doesn't mean her soul is. Her souls gone"  ...

April 13, 2021 Oh sister. Today was harder than you know. I don't even know, where to begin. Maybe there is no beginning.  Visiting the house it happened at. Feeling you there. Missing you && wanting nothing but to rewind time, && hold you. I had hoped it would bring me closure, && in all reality. It didn't.  There really isn't much I can write sister.  I'm just so empty.  I miss you. So goddamn much.  Plz let me know you're around soon. 

Robin Gunningham said: "You die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time". && I just don't ever see that being the thing here sister. I won't ever, not speak your name, or tell stories. The boys, will never stop speaking about you.  I only wish you would have met the new little, which even in this case, I get to tell him about all the stupid shit, the fun times, all of it.  You have so many friends who will never let you die sister. Not in the spiritual side anyways. I guess the physical side, is already done.  It's hardest on days I need you. I wonder if this is how you got. Did you ever just get so, stuck that you were scared to ask me for help? Is that why you never fully opened up until I found out in the end?  It's so hard when I listen to your playlist. Because, I get it. But I have to stay. I don't have any options. You should have. I know you felt like a burden...