Things I want to say..

I've hesitated even posting anything BUT this birthday sister would had been a stupid bomb one, had you been here. On this birthday, we would had gone all out as in, even better than that one movie we watched && said it was gonna be your && charity's birthday party ((the name of the movie will come to me at some point I'm sure)). We can't even celebrate this fucking day not anymore. I honestly wish that we could just skip it, like the first of February but alas, we can't. Some how, were just expected to keep going and sister I don't know if you understand how fucking hard it is to sometimes. Given the circumstances, I'm pretty sure you do. There's little things though, that I'm grateful you're not here for.. like losing padre, && hearing your mother tell you exactly what you were terrified would happen.  I need you sister for so many fucking things. I've felt myself disassociating so bad and it's for so many damn r...

Dear sister, I have a problem, && I can't accept it.. idk how to take it, idk how to handle it, idk where to even begin getting help for the shit.  It literally started because of the weight of you, && padre and this is what he wanted to avoid from mother, alas, here I am, going thru full blown alcoholic moments.  I miss you, so damn much sister. So much more than you ever expected anyone to miss you. "be happy for me, in the most heartfelt way possible "  Fuck you for that sister. No one can be happy for you! We fucking miss you TOO DAMN MUCH!!!!!!! && I always feel I'm being selfish for it, but maybe I'm not? Who the hell knows anymore sister.  I just know you were so much more needed than you ever gave yourself credit for. You're such a beautiful soul. You.... Were such a beautiful soul.  Since beginning school, I've been learning so much, like how to take a deep breath, and take a step back, acknowledge s...