Things I want to say..

Our group seems to get smaller && smaller every year sister. It's kind of heartbreaking. Whether it be because we cut off toxicity, or because the people that came before are now gone ((that person being padre)), our family is dwindling.  Regardless, this was a good run sister. We didn't run with the sombrero this year, or a picture, but we wore your shirt again. We do it every year. But this year was a little different, this year I decided it's my day off so why not do something a little more permanent?  So let's start this blog off with;  It started with an idea.  That idea, turned into an appointment, and that appointment, turned into a booked appointment. It's almost been four years sister, four long years that you've been gone. It seemed the appropriate time to get your memorial. So I did it, my own style, with my own ideas of pictures, && combined it into one.  The ribcage because you're gone via your...

I remember the mornings I couldn't move sister, like the grief was so physically heavy, that I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I just couldn't. But yet almost four years later, I'm doing the exact opposite. I know you know sister, but writing to you makes me feel better. I know you're by my side, I know you're watching EVERYTHING I do, but writing to you, whether it be physically or thru this, helps.  I know the raw feelings of it all sometimes helps people too, so there's always that. I've gotten into the routine every morning of going to the gym. No matter how I feel emotionally, or physically. I push myself to go, so much so, that I almost have a routine of things to do every week. Because ya know, consistency is key or whatever.  I've lost the weight, ((I only have four more pounds to lose)), I'm fighting ((&& mostly winning)) against my body dysmorphia, I've done the therapy for grief, I'm taking the steps, working on ...

  I guess the story technically starts years and years ago, when Lu's dad, our mom, && I chased you down the Natchez trace at 90+ miles an hour, to stop you from painting the inside of your truck in brain matter. You wanted an opened casket you said, && you wouldn't be able to have that with that being your way to go.  So let's go back to January 31, 2021 . We had a normal conversation throughout the day, but it was the end of the day when I got worried. I remember an uneasy feeling in my heart, and looking at someone saying, something's not right this time. No matter how many times I called, you wouldn't pick up. So we continued to text. You said you didn't have good service at Tottys, which I felt was a crock of shit until I went in that house lol. I remember you saying it was your fault. && mid text, I fell asleep. Lu was only a few weeks old; I was so tired. I remember waking up from a dead sleep around 5:35 in the morning, because my...

How would you feel? If your almost adopted brother, who you haven't seen for maybe twenty plus years give or take some time, had no idea that his big sister was gone after rebuilding a relationship with her? How would you feel to know after he tells you he doesn't remember you, that you're about to break this complete strangers heart?  My mom and dad were always foster parents for as long as I could remember, there are some foster kids that I remember, && some that I don't. But Brandon, we had for almost two years until his mom started to get better && she got them back. For that, I'm grateful because God knows not many kids get the chance to have their families back, so again I am grateful BUT, the last memory I have is of us handing Brandon to his mom, && him screaming reaching for dad && mom. We were all he knew for a while, we were his safe space. ANYWAY, I remember tryin...

Today, today's the day you knew you were done. You couldn't do it anymore. && That's okay. I'm here to keep fighting your fight. I'm here to keep living. To keep promises you left behind. I am STILL your rock sister. Just like you're my rock, my secret keeper, my other half. My human diary. My human soul mate. My little sister.  It brings me to such a serious question....  What would you do, if you knew today was your last day? *Insert Nickelback here*  What did you do sister, knowing it was your last?  You messaged everyone you loved. Just to make sure they knew, you loved them. You said what you thought you had left to say. At least what you could think of at that time. You changed all of your passwords, to make sure my nosy ass wouldn't find out where you were getting your stuff from. But plot twist sister, I still found out. Did you forget who I was lol. You did your drugs to numb the pain. But sister, did it numb the pain?  This is just somethin...