What would you do? January 31st, 2022.

Today, today's the day you knew you were done. You couldn't do it anymore. && That's okay. I'm here to keep fighting your fight. I'm here to keep living. To keep promises you left behind. I am STILL your rock sister. Just like you're my rock, my secret keeper, my other half. My human diary. My human soul mate. My little sister. 
It brings me to such a serious question.... 

What would you do, if you knew today was your last day? *Insert Nickelback here* 
What did you do sister, knowing it was your last? 
You messaged everyone you loved. Just to make sure they knew, you loved them. You said what you thought you had left to say. At least what you could think of at that time. You changed all of your passwords, to make sure my nosy ass wouldn't find out where you were getting your stuff from. But plot twist sister, I still found out. Did you forget who I was lol. You did your drugs to numb the pain. But sister, did it numb the pain? 

This is just something I have to accept for the rest of whatever is left of my life. 
I miss you sister. Today, I'll spend the day reminiscing, wearing your makeup, your choker, probably one of your shirts too. 
The clothes you passed away in, are still next to my head when I sleep. The only time they've moved, is when I've pulled them out from under the pillow, to hold them && cry. To see if there's anything left to you on them, a hair, your perfume. Something. Some form of existence. 
Alas. There isn't. Not anymore. 
I'm trying so hard to fight for you. To do something you'd be proud of. I know you'd love that your name && picture are in Nashville. Because each person on that wall, have a story. A reason they let their demons win. && Sometimes, it's because their inner demons had tricked them into believing, just like yours, that you weren't good enough. That you'd never be, good enough. && The reality of that was, it was all a fucking lie. You were good enough. You were human sister, people fuck up. It's LITERALLY in our nature. It's what you do to fix it. How you change. 

At least, that's how I'm taking it. Because I'm realizing shit myself sister, after you passed like I've said before, I realized how excellent of a liar I am. I can look you dead in the eyes, && say I'm fine. 

You made sure we knew you loved us. I hope padres giving you the biggest fucking hug right now. Because of you, he gave up. His heart couldn't take the hurt anymore. 
I'm so grateful that two days into him being home, he still had the energy to look at Luka, && smile, && talk to him. 
I'm so grateful I told him to give you the biggest hug you could stand. 

The pain of losing padre, was unexpected but expected at the same time. I realized how quiet my phone is after you guys were gone. 

I feel like I'm rambling
Maybe because I am. I'm listening to the playlist you made for us to listen to sister. For some reason, always saying or singing the lyrics you left behind, in a dark twisted way, is comforting. It's like you're here. 

Today's the day sister. Today's the day I will stay busy to keep my mind distracted. 
Tomorrows the day I will lay on your gravesite, && cry. Tomorrows the day everything will flood my mind. 
I'm not ready for tomorrow. 364 days without you. && It still doesn't feel real. 
The world should have stopped moving. But it has yet to. 

Gotta keep going for your ass. I'll keep seeing everything I can for you. I'll do kind things that you would do, for you, me, && the boys. It'll be our job to make this world better sister. Or at least someone's world. I'll take what I can get. 

I miss you sister. 
Please visit me soon. Same for you padre. 
I miss y'all's faces. I miss y'all's voices. 
Idk how I'm doing this shit today sister. But I will. 

I love you. Forever && always. To the moon && back. To infinity && beyond. I swear. 

songs on the playlist I listened to whilst writing this. ((Again, I guess it's my own form of therapy.)) 

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=F4yb0CBd4I4&feature=share

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=z5ylHkgs6Go&feature=share

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=-h5eRW0oBqw&feature=share

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=i51DtW2_Zv8&feature=share


https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=zDuFIw7zy_g&feature=share

***TRIGGER WARNING*** 
((this following song is REALLY REAL. It's how our minds work with depression, active suicidal ideation, anxiety, untreated ADHD, bipolar disorders, multiple personality disorders, etc. All the mental health issues spoken about && not)) 
IF YOU CAN NOT HANDLE IT, PLEASE DONT. 

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=wlhl_7g9a7s&feature=share




https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=sDx-UriOIaU&feature=share

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=7FoIur4uAz4&feature=share

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=i-2pkRzCt8w&feature=share



I miss you human diary. Keep an eye on us. 
😘

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