The unforgettable white sheet

Trigger Warning: Description of a Loved One After Death by Suicide

​The Unforgettable White Sheet

​Today, the memories came back in high-definition. They weren't a trigger when I spoke the words aloud to a friend, sharing the truth.. that I lost my sister to suicide. But driving away, the silent miles brought back the small, piercing details, the ones the mind tries to protect you from, but the heart never lets go of.

​It was a small room. Rachel, Mom, Dad, && me. We stood. We all said no when they asked us to sit.

​&& then they pulled it back. That white sheet.

​I will never forget it. The off-white color, the small, almost imperceptible stain near the bottom corner. It was a barrier, && then it was gone.

​&& there she was. My little sister.

​The sight of her is etched into my soul:

  • ​Ice bags on her eyes.
  • ​Her lips blackened.
  • ​The faint, awful burn mark around her neck.
  • ​Her home-done tattoos.. horrible in their execution, yet somehow, on her, beautiful.
  • ​Her chipped nail polish && undone nails.
  • ​Her hair, still in a messy bun, just... there.

​No heartbeat. No movement. Just a shell of what I once knew as my sister.

​In that tunnel vision, that suffocating moment, all I could focus on was the lady who kept asking, "Do you want me to pray with you?" It wasn't her fault, but in my broken state, her simple, repeated question felt like a physical blow. I couldn't process the words; I was too far gone.

​The Geometry of Grief

​Grief is hard. But there is a cruel, unique geometry to the grief of suicide that makes the loss feel harder, sharper, more impossible to reconcile. It’s the time you never get back, && the time you had that you can never have again.

​I wish I had taken a picture of her. Not to immortalize the pain, but to have one last, tangible piece of her physical presence.

​How do you learn to live without the person who defined your understanding of love && trust?

​I still have no idea. I don't understand this life. && honestly, I don't think I ever will. I just miss my sister.

​If you are struggling with your grief, please know you are not alone. Resources are available to help process these impossible feelings.

  • ​988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988 in the US && Canada)
((Continue reading after the pictures))


My Dearest Little Sister,
​I'm sitting here, writing this to you, && the raw-ness of everything is just overwhelming. I was helping a friend today, && I told her the story.. the truth of how we lost you. && then, driving to work, the details started coming back in flashes, the ones that punch the air right out of my lungs.
​I can still see the room. The nurses walking us in. Mom, Dad, Rachel, && me. That white sheet, the one that was slightly off-white with that tiny stain near the corner. It's burned into my memory. && then they pulled it back.
​I remember the ice bags on your eyes. Your lips, blackened. The terrible, faint burn mark around your neck. I saw your messy bun, your chipped nail polish, && those absolutely horrible but beautiful home-done tattoos. You were just there. A shell. No movement, no heartbeat.
​I got mad at the lady who kept asking if we wanted to pray. I know it wasn't her fault, but in that moment, I had tunnel vision, && I just couldn't process anything but the silence where your heart should have been.
​Grief is a monster. && the grief of losing you this way? It's something else entirely. It's the realization that I still don't know how to live a life that doesn't include you. I don't know what love or trust fully mean without you here to share them with. Honestly, I don't think I ever will understand this life.
​I miss you so, so much.
​The boys. They are growing up so fast. You'd be so proud of them.. they're smart, they're funny, && they have so much of your spirit. Though, yeah, you'd probably be a little disappointed in some of their antics, too. You'd definitely be the one to give them the side-eye && then secretly spoil them rotten.
​I wish you could see them. I wish you were still here to roll your eyes at my life choices && tell me exactly what you thought.
​Please, never for a second, ever forget that I love you.
​Forever && always.
To the moon && back.
To infinity && beyond.
​I promise.
​Yours, always,
Your sissy. 💔



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