Just me again.. wishing, grasping, healing

Sister,

I know you’re watching…

I just never know if you can feel what I feel,

or hear the things I whisper only in my mind.

So tonight, I’m writing it down for you.. loud, bold, && honest.. the way we used to be with each other.

Life has been… a lot.

Beautiful in moments.

Cruel in others.

&& somehow still stitched together with you in the seams.

&& I need to give you some instructions.. because you’re in charge of my boy now.

Take care of Brody for me, okay??

Give him baths, even if he acts like the world is ending at first. You remember how he’d huff && glare… then suddenly melt into the water like, “Oh yeah… I actually love this.”

Scratch that spot at the opening of his ear.. you know the one. && behind his ear too. If you want to make him kick his leg like he’s trying to start a lawnmower, scratch his butt or that one perfect place on his chest. There’s a hidden spot on his belly that makes him lose his mind too.. you’ll find it. Just follow the wiggles.

Let him do his little frog legs.

God, those always made me laugh. Let him avoid fireworks.. you know how terrified he gets.

Shield him from that noise, the same way I wish I could’ve shielded you from so many things. 💔

Let him play in the snow as LONG as he wants. He loves the snow, until he doesn't ❄️🥶

Hold him for me, sister. Wait with him until I get wherever you are. Give him all the love I can’t reach him with yet. && thank him for sending me Wayne.. because I swear you && Brody teamed up && placed him in my path.

&& thank you,

for keeping Wayne safe the other night.

I know you were there.

I know you helped him find his way back home to me.

Oh!! && Brody loves his head rubbed. I learned why recently, && it melted me in a way I wasn’t prepared for. Kiss his sweet nose for me, sister. All the cuddles he can handle.. give them freely.

&& let him run.

Let him chase every bird, squirrel, cat, rat, mouse, && mole in the sky.

Let him be wild/goofy && fast,

exactly the way he was here.

Whisper to him that I love him.

That I am grateful he let me find him again. Tell him I have an idea for him… I just need to gather the pieces of myself && the courage to carry it out.

Sister… things have been heavy again.

My depression slipped back into my bones, cold && stubborn. Padre’s death day is creeping closer.. right around the corner.. && it’s pulling memories out of the closets, I thought I nailed shut.

I’m back in therapy.

Trying.

Falling.

Trying again.

I’ll trip a few more times, probably,

but I’ll get back to myself.

I promise.

Whatever this undiagnosed bullshit is,

I’ll figure it out.

I’ll climb back into my routines.

I know I need to.

&& the boys?!? God, they’re huge now. Do you ever just… punch them in the mouth from beyond the grave? (I know, dark humor.. but you’d laugh.. it’s how I survive.🤷🏻‍♀️)

I hope you’re watching them grow. I hope you’re smiling at how wild, stubborn, && brilliant they are..  just like you were.

I hope you’re proud of me too.

Of how far I’ve come,

&& how far I’m still dragging myself.

I love you, sister.

Forever && always.

To the moon && black.

A million && one ones.

Your seester🖤

**Bonus picture**((ONLY picture I have of her && Brody together 💔🐾🪽🌈))