Things I want to say..

How would you feel? If your almost adopted brother, who you haven't seen for maybe twenty plus years give or take some time, had no idea that his big sister was gone after rebuilding a relationship with her? How would you feel to know after he tells you he doesn't remember you, that you're about to break this complete strangers heart?  My mom and dad were always foster parents for as long as I could remember, there are some foster kids that I remember, && some that I don't. But Brandon, we had for almost two years until his mom started to get better && she got them back. For that, I'm grateful because God knows not many kids get the chance to have their families back, so again I am grateful BUT, the last memory I have is of us handing Brandon to his mom, && him screaming reaching for dad && mom. We were all he knew for a while, we were his safe space. ANYWAY, I remember tryin...

Yesterday was hard. Today, was hard, && honestly I can't even tell you why. Yesterday, was flashes of our last few birthdays with charity here, and charity gone. We always took a shot for her, that still continues whether you're here or not. You realize she would had been 29 this year? I miss her. I miss you.   Today, just like yesterday and maybe it's because I'm in this self realization mode because, life comes at ya fast if you know what I mean.... Anyway, today just like yesterday, I randomly had to fight tears && sometimes I lost but I just did the thing I do, where I avoid looking at anyone, taking a deep breath, and talking shit to myself because who better than to make myself realize, I'm not just "the sad girl" or "the girl who's sister died via her own hand" .... But at the same time I am, and this is fucking grief. I realized I do need to be on meds today, because yes a lot of my sadness is grief, complicated &...