Seester seester.... oh my dearest seester.

Yesterday was hard. Today, was hard, && honestly I can't even tell you why. Yesterday, was flashes of our last few birthdays with charity here, and charity gone. We always took a shot for her, that still continues whether you're here or not. You realize she would had been 29 this year? I miss her. I miss you.  
Today, just like yesterday and maybe it's because I'm in this self realization mode because, life comes at ya fast if you know what I mean.... Anyway, today just like yesterday, I randomly had to fight tears && sometimes I lost but I just did the thing I do, where I avoid looking at anyone, taking a deep breath, and talking shit to myself because who better than to make myself realize, I'm not just "the sad girl" or "the girl who's sister died via her own hand" .... But at the same time I am, and this is fucking grief. I realized I do need to be on meds today, because yes a lot of my sadness is grief, complicated && cumulative grief ((aka grief overload)), but a lot of it is me battling my own demons which honestly I will say that "raw dogging it" so to speak, isn't my thing. If I don't sort my demons out one by one it will be the death of me. && Sister, even in California our old home grounds, I'm chased by the grim reaper. 
today was a struggle. Visiting the lagoon where we went as kids, was a struggle, it knocked the air out of me to be honest. 
i fucking miss you guys. All of you that left too soon. Sister, I've realized I can't let go, I can forgive you and I have, but I'm also allowed to have these moments where I'm just questioning things. I've been called you so many times, it hurts my heart sister. Oh so much. So while I sit here && quietly cry because, I fucking hurt, and lu is peacefully sleeping, I'll read this book I got, because good lord is it helping with my entire road to self discovery, but so are key moments im having.
I can feel you, but I wish you were here more. I know I should be grateful for everything and fuck, I'm not saying I'm not, but I'd be so much more if you were here to enjoy the shit with us. I miss you jackass.
p.s I ate an elote for you today, with everything. && Man was it good, truly. I'll take a shot for you tomorrow sister, I get one of your many wanted tattoos tomorrow, && I've never been more excited. 
I miss you little sister, I'm sorry for being an asshole. 

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