Things I want to say..

 So this is all I'll ever have for you sister, words, on a screen. Because, lets face it, we both communicated better that way.  I'm not sure how many people have messaged me now sister, on your behalf i think. "how are you?" I usually reply with the same thing. "I'm existing." or "I'm here." Because in reality, that's all that I am. I'm just existing.  I cant say that I'm fully happy. I have my moments yes. These beautiful little moments of happiness, && then, just like that. they're over. Like I hit a wall, of sad, && reality.  "My sister is dead." it repeats, over, && over. && over && over. I saw you laying on that table, && i never got a moment to scream at you, to cry over you, or to cuddle with you. Which is everything I wanted to do. I waited sister. I waited for your chest to rise. I waited for you to pop up && say "kidding guys. i couldn't do...

I don't even know where to start in all of this.. I don't feel like i should be typing this at all to be honest. But, I'm at such a loss. I don't know how to feel anymore, or what emotion is about to hit. Or at what period of time if at any time at all, the tears && emotions just hit. all at once.    expect breaks.. these are all written/thought, at different points.. maybe different stages.. My question to you dear sister, is where the hell am i supposed to be mental or physically in all of this?!? you had everything else planned for us to find, so tell me.. where am i supposed to be? I'm so mad at you today.&& i know I shouldn't be. Its not your fault. but at the same time, it is. You knew what this would do to us. If you wanted to make a difference so bad, you should have been the living advocate. Im so pissed at you today. I want to do nothing but hug you, && fishtail braid your stupid hair. && yell at you, but i cant. &...