stage one through wtfe

I don't even know where to start in all of this..

I don't feel like i should be typing this at all to be honest. But, I'm at such a loss. I don't know how to feel anymore, or what emotion is about to hit. Or at what period of time if at any time at all, the tears && emotions just hit. all at once.  

expect breaks.. these are all written/thought, at different points.. maybe different stages..

My question to you dear sister, is where the hell am i supposed to be mental or physically in all of this?!?

you had everything else planned for us to find, so tell me.. where am i supposed to be?

I'm so mad at you today.&& i know I shouldn't be. Its not your fault. but at the same time, it is.

You knew what this would do to us. If you wanted to make a difference so bad, you should have been the living advocate.

Im so pissed at you today. I want to do nothing but hug you, && fishtail braid your stupid hair. && yell at you, but i cant.

&& I don't think I've fully accepted that you're gone yet. Idk I guess we'll find out when I go with mother && abuelita to your gravesite.

the fact that i have to say that gets under my skin. Last time I thought about it, it threw me into this tear filled rage && depression, it made me sick. 

The fact that I'm feeling like this, && you thought we all would be "just fine" && that the "world was better without you" .... it pisses me off sister... it truly truly does && if you were here, id be sitting here, on facetime with you, to distract you from yourself.

I only wish you would had told me the truth

I only wish you wouldn't had said "I dont want to be saved"

theres so many things I want to scream. but i dont have the energy to. Not right now.

Just understand sister, that, no. none of us are okay.

your nephews are destroyed. Your mother is falling apaer, you father.... i hate watching him go through this. Its truly bullshit.

Your friends.... damnit taylor... im so mad at you today..

i love you.