Things I want to say..

Oh man. This is an emotional one, but let's start with why. For so long, I've held this resentment towards people who didn't help you stay clean. For so long, I held this resentment towards people who used with you, or hooked you on the shit period. I have my good days, && I have my bad. What I mean by that is on my good days. I can forgive those who used with you, gave you anything, who sold to you, who started the problem, and those who antagonized it. On my bad days I can't sit here and lie, sometimes. I wished the worst on them. && I know. I know. But I was angry. I regret it now, but at the time, I didn't.  I've had this voice, your voice in the back of my head now asking me to let all of your past vices go. But why? Because God knows you weren't the forgiving type ((always)). You were one to hold a grudge.  Maybe things have changed. Maybe it's the adult in me, or maybe it truly is you pushing me in the right direction.  Today thoug...

I remember this day so clearly. We went paddle boating at the park you used to work for. The one in Dickson. I had my beer with lime, you had your beer && on we went with the boys. Later after getting a marvelous tan, we swam with the boys. That was the good. The bad came so much later, but we'll skip that part for today.  You would be twenty-seven this year. && that is a big year sister. I wonder what your plans would have been this time for this event. You would had celebrated all week none-the-less but I truly wonder what you would had done. Would it had been a subtle little party in-between close friends, or even a big party with anyone you could invite? Would it had been family oriented .. I guess it's something we'll never know. It's something I'm always going to wonder what if on. You are always going to be a what if in my life now sister. I've been struggling lately, so much that you truly understand.  A trip to the Psych ward...