What is forgiveness?

Oh man. This is an emotional one, but let's start with why. For so long, I've held this resentment towards people who didn't help you stay clean. For so long, I held this resentment towards people who used with you, or hooked you on the shit period. I have my good days, && I have my bad. What I mean by that is on my good days. I can forgive those who used with you, gave you anything, who sold to you, who started the problem, and those who antagonized it. On my bad days I can't sit here and lie, sometimes. I wished the worst on them. && I know. I know. But I was angry. I regret it now, but at the time, I didn't. 
I've had this voice, your voice in the back of my head now asking me to let all of your past vices go. But why? Because God knows you weren't the forgiving type ((always)). You were one to hold a grudge. 
Maybe things have changed. Maybe it's the adult in me, or maybe it truly is you pushing me in the right direction. 

Today though. You gave me a punch in the gut. I woke up happy. Forgiving. At peace && grateful. 
Today, Christina messaged me with a few gifts she made for me. Of course they involve you, but we met up, && after she gave me the gifts, we talked, && departed ways. When I got home. God bless man. When I say tears ran harder than I thought they were going to, I mean it. In these gifts, I have my favorite picture of you && her. && A pillow, made from one of your shirts. 
I forgive her Tay. Not only for you, but for me too. I forgive everyone who's done you wrong. Not only for you, but for me. Because I have no room to hold this hate in my heart, I only have room for love. I don't have the patience for this hate to continue building, only tranquility && serenity. 
I forgive them sister because maybe they're struggling to forgive themselves for anything/everything involving you. Or maybe they're not, && even then, that's okay. 

I miss you sister. Terribly today. I'm grateful for your existence, even tho it was short. I'm grateful to have been your sister for 30 years. I'm grateful for the lessons and stories I have because of you. But for now, I'm grateful to feel like I'm somewhat hugging you. I miss you. I love you. I'm still crying writing this, but it isn't from pain, it's from love. && Everybit of it I can't share with you now. 
I love you. Forever && always. To infinity && beyond. I promise. 

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