Things I want to say..

Our group seems to get smaller && smaller every year sister. It's kind of heartbreaking. Whether it be because we cut off toxicity, or because the people that came before are now gone ((that person being padre)), our family is dwindling.  Regardless, this was a good run sister. We didn't run with the sombrero this year, or a picture, but we wore your shirt again. We do it every year. But this year was a little different, this year I decided it's my day off so why not do something a little more permanent?  So let's start this blog off with;  It started with an idea.  That idea, turned into an appointment, and that appointment, turned into a booked appointment. It's almost been four years sister, four long years that you've been gone. It seemed the appropriate time to get your memorial. So I did it, my own style, with my own ideas of pictures, && combined it into one.  The ribcage because you're gone via your...

I remember the mornings I couldn't move sister, like the grief was so physically heavy, that I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I just couldn't. But yet almost four years later, I'm doing the exact opposite. I know you know sister, but writing to you makes me feel better. I know you're by my side, I know you're watching EVERYTHING I do, but writing to you, whether it be physically or thru this, helps.  I know the raw feelings of it all sometimes helps people too, so there's always that. I've gotten into the routine every morning of going to the gym. No matter how I feel emotionally, or physically. I push myself to go, so much so, that I almost have a routine of things to do every week. Because ya know, consistency is key or whatever.  I've lost the weight, ((I only have four more pounds to lose)), I'm fighting ((&& mostly winning)) against my body dysmorphia, I've done the therapy for grief, I'm taking the steps, working on ...

Oh man. This is an emotional one, but let's start with why. For so long, I've held this resentment towards people who didn't help you stay clean. For so long, I held this resentment towards people who used with you, or hooked you on the shit period. I have my good days, && I have my bad. What I mean by that is on my good days. I can forgive those who used with you, gave you anything, who sold to you, who started the problem, and those who antagonized it. On my bad days I can't sit here and lie, sometimes. I wished the worst on them. && I know. I know. But I was angry. I regret it now, but at the time, I didn't.  I've had this voice, your voice in the back of my head now asking me to let all of your past vices go. But why? Because God knows you weren't the forgiving type ((always)). You were one to hold a grudge.  Maybe things have changed. Maybe it's the adult in me, or maybe it truly is you pushing me in the right direction.  Today thoug...

I wish the demons wouldn't had won.  I wish you would had logically thought about what you leaving would do to us.  But I know you couldn't help it. So it's nothing I blame you for.  It's easy to wish all this shit...... Maybe... No I lied. It really isn't... Because thinking about you, which is hard not to do.... Even when you were here asshole, is what hurts.  I keep trying to find something to fill this void in my chest since you've been gone...  ((Not drugs... Crafts, hobbies, etc)) && I think I'm running out of things lol. It's hard to not call you, number one because someone else has your phone number now, && that within itself is, a lot to handle....  Number two, because, you won't be picking up...  You were a LITERAL drug. All within yourself.  Since I haven't had video calls from you, random texts, memories that I don't have that are on your FB, random memes, etc. You saved me sister.  && For a good minute, I ...

June 1st.  17.381 weeks. 2,890 hours && 9 mins from the time I'm writing this, 10,404,609 seconds.  That's four months ..  June 2nd.  17 weeks. 2 days. 2,912 hours 16 minutes, 10,484,230 seconds.  I miss you. I love you. your birthday is so close.  Why couldn't you stay?  Today's hard sister.  Today's so so hard.  June 3rd. 122 days, 17 weeks 3 days. 2,937 hours 34 minutes, 10575358 seconds.  This dream I had, on the first. I can't explain it. But you were there. && You didn't say anything. You just had this grin. What I said, is what confuses me.  A text to Austin && Rachel: "Like... It truly doesn't make sense. You were there. && You kept saying, she's here, be happy.  && I stared at her && she wasn't saying anything. She just, grinned.  I looked at you && said "how can I be happy. Just because she's here, doesn't mean her soul is. Her souls gone"  ...

We had such this weird way of loving each other. Constantly breathing down each other's necks, but always there for each other. Through thick && thin. My ride or die.  I came across this memory the other day, where you called me your hero. For many reasons, but one being, staying alive although I thought I had plenty of reasons not to be.   What about now? Can you be proud? You're not here anymore.  I had this reply to that report you took && read at school. && I hope I find it soon. Because it was honest. It was how I felt then, && how I feel now.  There's just more now.  They say there's a song for everything, && sister, you left me an entire playlist. I listen to it on repeat. I very seldom listen to my own music anymore. But I did add a few songs. Because they were fitting. && Just like before, I will always share my music with you, just like you did me.  Something was said the other day, && it ki...