wishes

I wish the demons wouldn't had won. 
I wish you would had logically thought about what you leaving would do to us. 
But I know you couldn't help it. So it's nothing I blame you for. 

It's easy to wish all this shit...... Maybe... No I lied. It really isn't... Because thinking about you, which is hard not to do.... Even when you were here asshole, is what hurts. 
I keep trying to find something to fill this void in my chest since you've been gone... 
((Not drugs... Crafts, hobbies, etc))
&& I think I'm running out of things lol. It's hard to not call you, number one because someone else has your phone number now, && that within itself is, a lot to handle.... 
Number two, because, you won't be picking up... 

You were a LITERAL drug. All within yourself. 
Since I haven't had video calls from you, random texts, memories that I don't have that are on your FB, random memes, etc. You saved me sister. 
&& For a good minute, I felt like I was drowning. Slowly saying my goodbyes. 
Last week was the worst. I had to call my therapist to have an emergency session. 
I just wanted to die. 
&& For what reason? Hell if I know. 
Because maybe I've been looking forward to seeing family when I went anyways, but you being gone, just gave me more of a reason. 

Idk why my head works the way it does. But it does. And honestly, that's that. 

This week, I'm just... Focused to say the least. 
Your tile will be placed in Nashville next week. So people will see your name... They'll wonder who you are. They'll facebook you. Theyll Instagram you.. && I'll be here.. continuing to share the shit out of you. && The pain you left behind. 

Because suicide has to stop. It has to. No one should ever feel like they're better off dead. 
But I get it. 
I really do. 
The drugs had clouded your usually clear vision... You'd let me calm your paranoid thoughts. && This time, you just didn't. 

Life's hard without you. It really is. 
There's so much I've wanted to call to tell you, but I couldn't. 

You chose to leave. && Honestly, I can't say it hurts more than an accidental death because, we didn't get that. So I can say that I know, BUT, in my opinion, it truly hurts so much more knowing you went by your own hand, && not when the higher power, god, whatever it is out there, chooses it's your time. 
You had so many plans. We could had kicked addictions ass Taylor. Because fuck. I'm doing it... Three years October 1st... So why wouldnt you has been able to? 
You had two years under your belt.... 
It's fine tho... I love you regardless.. I just miss the shit out of you && I really wish we could be talking right now instead of me getting closure && an over abundance of love from my little sister. 


I'm not even kidding when I say I do everything for you now sister. Cold coffee? I'm drinking it for you. This cigarette? I'm smoking it for you. The movie I'm watching, I'm watching it for us. 

You're simply going to have to accept the fact that there are some movies, I'll never be able to watch without you. Sisters. Frozen.... 1 && 2.. the little vampire.... Never again.. 

I miss you sister. 
Terribly today. 

I love you. 


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