Things I want to say..

It's a new year. So this is the year of healing for me sister.  Which means, I'll start to be honest, with myself. With my therapist. With everyone.  Because anytime anyone asks, "are you okay?" I feel like a bad person, saying I'm fine. I'm okay. Or I'm meh.  Because in reality sister, I'm not. If it isn't the voices in my head, it's my inner demons. If it isn't all of that, it's the past. && Things that could have been done differently, said different, etc.  I can't let them win. I have to do this shit for you. I really do. I have to do it for padre. Since you left, I have no choice but to make sure she isn't alone.  This is the year of healing. This is the year that I'll get your story out there somehow. I'll figure out a way to help people here. Hell, maybe it could become a world wide thing.  This is the year, that I'll stop blaming myself for what you chose to do. I never will understand how your demons...

June 1st.  17.381 weeks. 2,890 hours && 9 mins from the time I'm writing this, 10,404,609 seconds.  That's four months ..  June 2nd.  17 weeks. 2 days. 2,912 hours 16 minutes, 10,484,230 seconds.  I miss you. I love you. your birthday is so close.  Why couldn't you stay?  Today's hard sister.  Today's so so hard.  June 3rd. 122 days, 17 weeks 3 days. 2,937 hours 34 minutes, 10575358 seconds.  This dream I had, on the first. I can't explain it. But you were there. && You didn't say anything. You just had this grin. What I said, is what confuses me.  A text to Austin && Rachel: "Like... It truly doesn't make sense. You were there. && You kept saying, she's here, be happy.  && I stared at her && she wasn't saying anything. She just, grinned.  I looked at you && said "how can I be happy. Just because she's here, doesn't mean her soul is. Her souls gone"  ...