January... that's all I can really say without actually saying it....

It's a new year. So this is the year of healing for me sister. 

Which means, I'll start to be honest, with myself. With my therapist. With everyone. 

Because anytime anyone asks, "are you okay?" I feel like a bad person, saying I'm fine. I'm okay. Or I'm meh. 

Because in reality sister, I'm not. If it isn't the voices in my head, it's my inner demons. If it isn't all of that, it's the past. && Things that could have been done differently, said different, etc. 

I can't let them win. I have to do this shit for you. I really do. I have to do it for padre. Since you left, I have no choice but to make sure she isn't alone. 

This is the year of healing. This is the year that I'll get your story out there somehow. I'll figure out a way to help people here. Hell, maybe it could become a world wide thing. 

This is the year, that I'll stop blaming myself for what you chose to do. I never will understand how your demons made you think you weren't loved. Because fuck sister. 

This is the year. It has to be. 

This is the year the boys see that, anything's possible. That they deserve to be happy. That I deserve to be happy. 

We're fighting these demons head on. 

So, here it goes. The way to heal the trauma, is to talk about it. So, story time. 

A year ago yesterday, you started planning the end of your life. 

In two weeks, && two days, you ended your own life. 

In two weeks && two days, my life changed for what felt like forever ago. && Maybe it isn't that long for anyone else, but, I miss my sister. I miss seeing her face everyday. I miss her laugh. I miss how she'd call me first when she cried. I miss her soul. 

So, my mind has been all over the place. Because, honestly, I'm still going through the grieving process. I have my good days. && My bad. && Lately, it's been more bad than good. 

As of a year ago yesterday, you asked me this. 

a year ago yesterday, you wanted to meet Tiny. && The day you were supposed to come over, you were in Franklin. Watching Austin, because you were dead set determined that he was cheating. So you went to go find your evidence. I knew then sister, that there was something you weren't telling me. You always distanced yourself when you were in active addiction. You knew we'd know. You knew I'd call you out on it, because, that's what we did. We were there for each other Taylor. Why didn't you trust me this time? 

There was still so much we had to talk about. So many more dark jokes. I fucking miss you. 

Anyway, we video chat, && I remember asking you, "are you okay Tay?" && You automatically got defensive. "Yea, I'm fine. Just getting my proof." 

You were so pretty that day seester. && You weren't wearing makeup. Your hair was straightened && down. *Deep sigh* **breathe in, hold for four, breathe out** 

Okay. I'm collected. You were supposed to come over to meet Tiny sister, && you never did, because the addiction had control. Meth, had taken over. You became obsessive, && dead set determined, that, life was just fucking you over completely. You believed Austin wasn't faithful, you believed your family hated you, you were broken over the loss of Dustin. You turned back to meth, && all you could feel was guilt. Your bipolar ass multiple personalities, your untreated ADHD, your untreated depression, && anxiety, your unresolved trauma, it all finally won. 

I wish you would have texted me like you did the first time when you went to Ohio. I honestly thought I was going to lose you then. I wasn't prepared for what happened sister. I wasn't prepared to lose you.

A year ago today, you were supposed to meet Tiny. I'm glad you met him thru video chat. && I'm glad your blue elephant came to the hospital with us. 

This year is about healing sister. To heal. I have to relive it. I have to talk about it. I have to accept the fact that, you're gone. I have to cry about it. Scream, laugh, live, to accept this. It's hard. But I'm doing it. All for you, padre. && Now Billie. I have to stay sober. I can't fall back into what took you from us. 

So, here's to a "better" new year. Here's to working on my health, && happiness. Here's to healing trauma. Here's to a better me. For the boys. 

I love you sister. So damn much. Please tell padre I miss him, && that my phone is so quiet without the both of you here. So so quiet. Tell him we love && miss him. Forever && always. To the moon && back, to infinity && beyond, we promise. 

Sister, I love you. To the moon && black, a million and one ones. 😘 I promise. 

I miss your stupid face. I miss your laugh. I miss hearing you yell "I have to poop". I miss you blowing my phone up. I. Miss. You. 

Your soul, your vibe, everything.