Things I want to say..

I remember the mornings I couldn't move sister, like the grief was so physically heavy, that I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I just couldn't. But yet almost four years later, I'm doing the exact opposite. I know you know sister, but writing to you makes me feel better. I know you're by my side, I know you're watching EVERYTHING I do, but writing to you, whether it be physically or thru this, helps.  I know the raw feelings of it all sometimes helps people too, so there's always that. I've gotten into the routine every morning of going to the gym. No matter how I feel emotionally, or physically. I push myself to go, so much so, that I almost have a routine of things to do every week. Because ya know, consistency is key or whatever.  I've lost the weight, ((I only have four more pounds to lose)), I'm fighting ((&& mostly winning)) against my body dysmorphia, I've done the therapy for grief, I'm taking the steps, working on ...

Oh man. This is an emotional one, but let's start with why. For so long, I've held this resentment towards people who didn't help you stay clean. For so long, I held this resentment towards people who used with you, or hooked you on the shit period. I have my good days, && I have my bad. What I mean by that is on my good days. I can forgive those who used with you, gave you anything, who sold to you, who started the problem, and those who antagonized it. On my bad days I can't sit here and lie, sometimes. I wished the worst on them. && I know. I know. But I was angry. I regret it now, but at the time, I didn't.  I've had this voice, your voice in the back of my head now asking me to let all of your past vices go. But why? Because God knows you weren't the forgiving type ((always)). You were one to hold a grudge.  Maybe things have changed. Maybe it's the adult in me, or maybe it truly is you pushing me in the right direction.  Today thoug...