"Pain changes people."

I remember the mornings I couldn't move sister, like the grief was so physically heavy, that I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I just couldn't. But yet almost four years later, I'm doing the exact opposite. I know you know sister, but writing to you makes me feel better. I know you're by my side, I know you're watching EVERYTHING I do, but writing to you, whether it be physically or thru this, helps. 

I know the raw feelings of it all sometimes helps people too, so there's always that. I've gotten into the routine every morning of going to the gym. No matter how I feel emotionally, or physically. I push myself to go, so much so, that I almost have a routine of things to do every week. Because ya know, consistency is key or whatever. 

I've lost the weight, ((I only have four more pounds to lose)), I'm fighting ((&& mostly winning)) against my body dysmorphia, I've done the therapy for grief, I'm taking the steps, working on my shadow journal && trying to catch myself when I'm triggered. It's a hell of a lot of work sister, but it's changed my mindset for the better. 

My therapist said something to me last session we had. 

Her: "where did you fail?" 

Me: "I saw the signs, && I didn't do anything about it." 

Her: "well did you reach out to her? Did you go to her?"

Me: "I did reach out, I couldn't go to her. I was unfortunately out of state for a funeral."

Her: "you did what you could do with what you had available, you tried, you asked her directly if she was suicidal. You werent in state, you couldn't physically be there. You did what you could." 

My mind has fought with me since the incident that I didn't do enough. I should have done more, but she's right, what more could I do with what I had available at that time? 

I woke up at 5:35 that morning sister, my body && heart felt you trying to leave. 

((Speaking of the time you began trying to unalive yourself, its going on a tattoo this Saturday, && I've never been so excited for a tattoo in my life.)) My body still remembers everything. The tunnel vision, my heart sinking knowing what the call was about because it was so early, && mother never calls me that early, I remember everything. I can retire it, moment for moment. 

Back to the tattoo, 

It's your && Padres memorial piece. Padres piece is to be added later. But almost four years later, feels like the appropriate time for a memorial tattoo to be done. Especially since I've been coping with things correctly, dealing with things how I should, etc. ((&& no it's not self harm to get the tattoo this time lol))

So first thing that morning, we have the fourth annual live love run, to do for you. && At exactly two p.m, your memorial tattoo begins. I wanna post the preview of it so bad, but I'll restrain. I want it to be a surprise for those of you who do read this. 

I've noticed your page is getting more views lately, it makes me wonder if more people read about you. That was always the intention, for your name to never be forgotten. 

I wonder how many people have seen the picture of your plaque on the suicide wall in Nashville? How many have wondered why you chose to leave? Because I still do. I wonder how your mind could ever lead you to believe that the world was better off without you. Because sister honestly, it's empty. Ever since you left, I've been looking for the light in everything I could, and for now, I've found solice in the gym. It's where I can transfer my physical pain. It's where the pain can be turned into something whether it be weight loss, muscle growth, toning, etc. I no longer feel as helpless as I did, but don't get me wrong. There's still days that knock the air out of me, there's still days where I cry uncontrollably, all because you're no longer here. 

I miss you sister, terribly lately. I hope you're okay. I hope you're finally comfortable sister. I hope youre proud. 

I love you. Forever && always, to the moon && back. To infinity && beyond, I promise. 

I'll speak your name until my last breath sister. 

I miss you. 

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