Things I want to say..

I remember the mornings I couldn't move sister, like the grief was so physically heavy, that I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I just couldn't. But yet almost four years later, I'm doing the exact opposite. I know you know sister, but writing to you makes me feel better. I know you're by my side, I know you're watching EVERYTHING I do, but writing to you, whether it be physically or thru this, helps.  I know the raw feelings of it all sometimes helps people too, so there's always that. I've gotten into the routine every morning of going to the gym. No matter how I feel emotionally, or physically. I push myself to go, so much so, that I almost have a routine of things to do every week. Because ya know, consistency is key or whatever.  I've lost the weight, ((I only have four more pounds to lose)), I'm fighting ((&& mostly winning)) against my body dysmorphia, I've done the therapy for grief, I'm taking the steps, working on ...

Oh man. This is an emotional one, but let's start with why. For so long, I've held this resentment towards people who didn't help you stay clean. For so long, I held this resentment towards people who used with you, or hooked you on the shit period. I have my good days, && I have my bad. What I mean by that is on my good days. I can forgive those who used with you, gave you anything, who sold to you, who started the problem, and those who antagonized it. On my bad days I can't sit here and lie, sometimes. I wished the worst on them. && I know. I know. But I was angry. I regret it now, but at the time, I didn't.  I've had this voice, your voice in the back of my head now asking me to let all of your past vices go. But why? Because God knows you weren't the forgiving type ((always)). You were one to hold a grudge.  Maybe things have changed. Maybe it's the adult in me, or maybe it truly is you pushing me in the right direction.  Today thoug...

  I guess the story technically starts years and years ago, when Lu's dad, our mom, && I chased you down the Natchez trace at 90+ miles an hour, to stop you from painting the inside of your truck in brain matter. You wanted an opened casket you said, && you wouldn't be able to have that with that being your way to go.  So let's go back to January 31, 2021 . We had a normal conversation throughout the day, but it was the end of the day when I got worried. I remember an uneasy feeling in my heart, and looking at someone saying, something's not right this time. No matter how many times I called, you wouldn't pick up. So we continued to text. You said you didn't have good service at Tottys, which I felt was a crock of shit until I went in that house lol. I remember you saying it was your fault. && mid text, I fell asleep. Lu was only a few weeks old; I was so tired. I remember waking up from a dead sleep around 5:35 in the morning, because my...

This father's day was hard without you padre. I tried to ignore it && honestly, I had blocked out that it was father's day so bad, that I realized I hadn't been telling any of the uncles or my grandpa it. I miss you, so so much more than words can put it. Honestly I need you and I hate to admit it but it's so much more than I thought I would had. There's so many things I just want to sit down and ask you why, alas I can not. && I know that's why mother's drinking the way she is. She's hurting, && that's the only way she knows fo numb it. && Then there is I, who's had so many life realizations, along with the culture shock, && sensory overload on top of me just being the awkward fuck that I am.... It's just been a lot, but I've also seen a lot that I've just felt so disconnected from.  Life happens and it happens fast.. some adjust better than others while others never do && I'm caugh...

I've hesitated even posting anything BUT this birthday sister would had been a stupid bomb one, had you been here. On this birthday, we would had gone all out as in, even better than that one movie we watched && said it was gonna be your && charity's birthday party ((the name of the movie will come to me at some point I'm sure)). We can't even celebrate this fucking day not anymore. I honestly wish that we could just skip it, like the first of February but alas, we can't. Some how, were just expected to keep going and sister I don't know if you understand how fucking hard it is to sometimes. Given the circumstances, I'm pretty sure you do. There's little things though, that I'm grateful you're not here for.. like losing padre, && hearing your mother tell you exactly what you were terrified would happen.  I need you sister for so many fucking things. I've felt myself disassociating so bad and it's for so many damn r...

I've learned this week in life sister that the movies you watch are what life truly is like. && I don't mean that in the romantic, scary movie kinda way, no. I mean the way that certain movies describe certain groups of people, && how they never seem to change. Which, don't get me wrong it's not a bad thing because, to each their own in reality; it just honestly makes me wish I could go back to that version of me.  Parties aren't the same, after an accidental alcohol induced ulcer, I've kinda taken a step back BUT it's not so much the alcohol I'm after, it's the connection with people again. After you, I lost connections completely, && after padre, well I guess we all know how that's going. I don't know how to be anything but a mom. && Honestly, that's so horrible saying because sister idk who the hell I am. I know that with your help ((as always)), I see how horrible of a person I was in the pa...

Dear sister, I have a problem, && I can't accept it.. idk how to take it, idk how to handle it, idk where to even begin getting help for the shit.  It literally started because of the weight of you, && padre and this is what he wanted to avoid from mother, alas, here I am, going thru full blown alcoholic moments.  I miss you, so damn much sister. So much more than you ever expected anyone to miss you. "be happy for me, in the most heartfelt way possible "  Fuck you for that sister. No one can be happy for you! We fucking miss you TOO DAMN MUCH!!!!!!! && I always feel I'm being selfish for it, but maybe I'm not? Who the hell knows anymore sister.  I just know you were so much more needed than you ever gave yourself credit for. You're such a beautiful soul. You.... Were such a beautiful soul.  Since beginning school, I've been learning so much, like how to take a deep breath, and take a step back, acknowledge s...

I've learned so much sister since you've left.  Like my constant need to clean, my constant need for approval, it's all a childhood trauma thing. So since we now know the root of the problem, what can I do to fix it?  I can't fix other people until I fix myself... Right? First things first, gotta recognize the problem. But, how does one fix issues with childhood trauma? We're always taught to let it go, the past I mean. But how are we supposed to let the past go, when we have yet to heal from it?  I guess that's the question most psychologists ask right?  How can I fix this person, if they aren't ready to be helped?  Being uncomfortable is part of that solution. Oddly enough. I think anyways.  It's understanding that, the way you cope with whatever you're going through, isn't healthy. (Gambling, sex, alcohol, meth, heroine, pills, etc. (NOT WEED! COME AT ME! This is my blog. My opinion! 🤷🏻‍♀️)) We have to do it sober. && Fuck is that un...

Today, today's the day you knew you were done. You couldn't do it anymore. && That's okay. I'm here to keep fighting your fight. I'm here to keep living. To keep promises you left behind. I am STILL your rock sister. Just like you're my rock, my secret keeper, my other half. My human diary. My human soul mate. My little sister.  It brings me to such a serious question....  What would you do, if you knew today was your last day? *Insert Nickelback here*  What did you do sister, knowing it was your last?  You messaged everyone you loved. Just to make sure they knew, you loved them. You said what you thought you had left to say. At least what you could think of at that time. You changed all of your passwords, to make sure my nosy ass wouldn't find out where you were getting your stuff from. But plot twist sister, I still found out. Did you forget who I was lol. You did your drugs to numb the pain. But sister, did it numb the pain?  This is just somethin...