Growth.. maybe? I think.

February 05, 2022

I've learned so much sister since you've left.

Like my constant need to clean, my constant need for approval, it's all a childhood trauma thing. So since we now know the root of the problem, what can I do to fix it?

I can't fix other people until I fix myself... Right? First things first, gotta recognize the problem. But, how does one fix issues with childhood trauma?

We're always taught to let it go, the past I mean. But how are we supposed to let the past go, when we have yet to heal from it?

I guess that's the question most psychologists ask right?

How can I fix this person, if they aren't ready to be helped?

Being uncomfortable is part of that solution. Oddly enough. I think anyways.

It's understanding that, the way you cope with whatever you're going through, isn't healthy. (Gambling, sex, alcohol, meth, heroine, pills, etc. (NOT WEED! COME AT ME! This is my blog. My opinion! 🤷🏻‍♀️))

We have to do it sober. && Fuck is that uncomfortable all within itself sister. I tried.

I tried to be sober on your one year anniversary, but I couldn't do it.

But let me tell you, getting black out drunk wasn't the answer either. Because, parts of the day, are just gone.

I remember these little flashes like mom telling me I needed to quit if I was gonna go speak at this suicide prevention thing that half ass got started because I threw a fit about this county not having shit.

Go figure when something gets put together it's hard for me to get there right lol. It's okay. It's getting worked out.

But I couldn't do it sister. A whole year.

A year ago on the first, I sat straight up out of sleep, at 5:56 a.m

Something wasn't right.

This year, on the damn first, I sat straight up, at 5:56 a.m

Ptsd. That's all I can really think it was.

Everytime I looked at the clock. I could tell you exactly where we were at that time. Mother, padre, me, Rachel, && you.

I can tell you that at 7:08 my mother called me. I can tell you that for some reason it felt like it took hours to get to mom's house.

I can tell you that, time stopped.

I don't remember the car ride. I don't remember if I said anything. All I could hear was mother in my head crying "your sister. She did it. She hung herself"

Over && over. && All I could think of, was our conversations. "I couldn't hang myself, it takes too long, that's a hard way to go".

The cries sister. I have never && will never hear them again. Not from our mother. Not from our padre. Not from Rachel. I don't remember if I screamed. I don't remember if I cried. I just remember telling mother to breathe. Over && over. I remember getting a chair for padre. Because, I knew he was gonna hit the floor.

I was playing with tinys hair when he first woke up, to try to get him to go back to sleep, && I was slung back into that day. Playing with your hair. On that cold ass fucking table. You, laid there, covered in ice bags. You know, in case you wanted your organs donated. && You did. You didn't want to go to waste as you said. Alas, you kinda fucked that up for yourself sister when you did meth. Although I don't understand why they couldn't just flush the organs.

Not my job. Anyways. I don't remember much of what came out of my mouth or anything.

I just remember your face. I could see where youd been crying. You wore the shirt you got for Dustin. They had to cut it off. I'm sorry they ruined it sister. Honestly it was for the best. But, sadly. It was too late.

I miss you sister.

It's been an official year since I've seen you with my eyes. Laying in your casket, that I picked with mother, && padre. With your camo lining && pillow that Eric was nice enough to just put in with you. Your pink camo jacket. I want one, just like it. Extensions tucked at your feet, crown bottle in your hand, the ring that charity made for you, on your finger. Fake eyelashes. Etc. It's been a year since I've touched your face. You were so cold.

I just wanted you back. I still, just want you back.

It doesn't feel real.

In only a few hours, it will have been the last remaining hours I got to physically touch you, play with your hair, hold your hand, && kiss you.

I'm thankful for the people Tay, that reach out now. There's so many of your old friends thats lives you truly touched.

Idk what I'd do without them now.

I hear a lot, "you're so strong, with how much you've gone through in such little time"

But no. That's not the case here. as bad as I wanted to, I couldn't leave. Not with a newborn who depended on me at the time for food.

&& I know it's horrible but, him, && leaving mother && padre behind, && the boys, is the only thing that kept me alive.

I can honestly say, since that phone call, since I realized all the signs, since I've come to learn so much about you, myself, people, etc. Life hasn't been life.

I'm simply existing. Especially today.

I'll be okay. && I know I'll be okay. I have to be. It's time to start saving lives sister. I only wish I could had saved yours.

I miss you the most sister. Please visit soon.

Tell padre life isn't the same without him either.

I miss his jokes && typos, && him saying it was because his fingers were fat. Lol I miss his laugh. His random naps.

I'm grateful you're not here for this shit Tay, but fuck man. You didn't make it any easier.

I love you. Forever && always. To the moon && back. To infinity && beyond. I promise.

the ring on her finger is the one charity made her. She took it with her when we buried her.

ill forever be grateful for the guys who carried her. I wish I could trade some of them out had I known the circumstance. But it's okay. Everything happens for a reason.