Things I want to say..

Robin Gunningham said: "You die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time". && I just don't ever see that being the thing here sister. I won't ever, not speak your name, or tell stories. The boys, will never stop speaking about you.  I only wish you would have met the new little, which even in this case, I get to tell him about all the stupid shit, the fun times, all of it.  You have so many friends who will never let you die sister. Not in the spiritual side anyways. I guess the physical side, is already done.  It's hardest on days I need you. I wonder if this is how you got. Did you ever just get so, stuck that you were scared to ask me for help? Is that why you never fully opened up until I found out in the end?  It's so hard when I listen to your playlist. Because, I get it. But I have to stay. I don't have any options. You should have. I know you felt like a burden...

 So this is all I'll ever have for you sister, words, on a screen. Because, lets face it, we both communicated better that way.  I'm not sure how many people have messaged me now sister, on your behalf i think. "how are you?" I usually reply with the same thing. "I'm existing." or "I'm here." Because in reality, that's all that I am. I'm just existing.  I cant say that I'm fully happy. I have my moments yes. These beautiful little moments of happiness, && then, just like that. they're over. Like I hit a wall, of sad, && reality.  "My sister is dead." it repeats, over, && over. && over && over. I saw you laying on that table, && i never got a moment to scream at you, to cry over you, or to cuddle with you. Which is everything I wanted to do. I waited sister. I waited for your chest to rise. I waited for you to pop up && say "kidding guys. i couldn't do...

I don't even know where to start in all of this.. I don't feel like i should be typing this at all to be honest. But, I'm at such a loss. I don't know how to feel anymore, or what emotion is about to hit. Or at what period of time if at any time at all, the tears && emotions just hit. all at once.    expect breaks.. these are all written/thought, at different points.. maybe different stages.. My question to you dear sister, is where the hell am i supposed to be mental or physically in all of this?!? you had everything else planned for us to find, so tell me.. where am i supposed to be? I'm so mad at you today.&& i know I shouldn't be. Its not your fault. but at the same time, it is. You knew what this would do to us. If you wanted to make a difference so bad, you should have been the living advocate. Im so pissed at you today. I want to do nothing but hug you, && fishtail braid your stupid hair. && yell at you, but i cant. &...