An opened letter..

 So this is all I'll ever have for you sister, words, on a screen. Because, lets face it, we both communicated better that way. 

I'm not sure how many people have messaged me now sister, on your behalf i think. "how are you?"

I usually reply with the same thing. "I'm existing." or "I'm here."

Because in reality, that's all that I am. I'm just existing. 

I cant say that I'm fully happy. I have my moments yes. These beautiful little moments of happiness, && then, just like that. they're over. Like I hit a wall, of sad, && reality. 

"My sister is dead."

it repeats, over, && over. && over && over.

I saw you laying on that table, && i never got a moment to scream at you, to cry over you, or to cuddle with you. Which is everything I wanted to do. I waited sister. I waited for your chest to rise. I waited for you to pop up && say "kidding guys. i couldn't do it."

I waited for that burn mark across your neck to go away. 

But i couldn't fully focus. I had to make sure our mother was breathing. I had to make sure our father wasn't going to collapse. && I had to make sure that Rachel, wasn't going to lose her shit. I had to worry about the baby in the car, how I was going to break this to the boys, how I was going to do it. How i was going to tell the boys, I don't even understand what the fuck is even going on, what's the next step? Why the fuck did you do this. Why i was an only child now. Why couldn't you let me call you the ambulance the other day...... I had every thought. && still do. 

These are the raw feelings, emotions, && thoughts of everything since then sister.

You were my diary. You were who I called when Anthony pissed me off for no particular reason. You'd tell me whether I was being irrational or not. You're who I called when the boys irritated me, or when I was just in a mood. You were who I called to find out a song, or a movie we watched as kids. You're who I called when it rained, just to hear, "ITS RAINING SIDEWAYS"

"wheres your umbrella ollie, SOMEWHERE INSIDE OUT DOWN THE STREET"

I have these days where I'm so pissed at you, for so many reasons. 

You talked me out of my suicide attempts. You showed up at my house at my last attempt. Because the boys were going to come home from school && find me had you not shown up. But you did.  

You didn't even meet the new little. You met him over video chat. Would you had stayed after holding him? You loved the smell of new babies. && the amount of sleep they went through, because as you said "I relate dude" lol you were the best napper with the boys when they were little.

I'm pissed at you for leaving me, && making me worse. 

I know people are constantly telling me, I'm here if you want to talk to me about anything.

&& I'm sure they are sister, but they aren't you. They aren't my human diary. They aren't my light in the dark. My light in the dark, is forever in the ground, in a rose gold metal box, lined with camo, signed by people who loved her && some people who had no idea who the hell she is.

These are raw emotions sister. && maybe it'll help the people healing with me to see, that I understand. Too fucking well.

Depression is shit. Anxiety is shit... Fighting these goddamn demons every fucking day, isn't fair. && it's so fucking hard. how the fuck am I supposed to do this without you sister?

I fucking have to. Because I have too many littles who need me. That's what makes this the hardest part of all of it. 

I love you. I miss you.

So so fucking much seester.