Things I want to say..

Trigger Warning: Description of a Loved One After Death by Suicide ​ The Unforgettable White Sheet ​Today, the memories came back in high-definition. They weren't a trigger when I spoke the words aloud to a friend, sharing the truth.. that I lost my sister to suicide. But driving away, the silent miles brought back the small, piercing details, the ones the mind tries to protect you from, but the heart never lets go of. ​It was a small room. Rachel, Mom, Dad, && me. We stood. We all said no when they asked us to sit. ​&& then they pulled it back. That white sheet. ​I will never forget it. The off-white color, the small, almost imperceptible stain near the bottom corner. It was a barrier, && then it was gone. ​&& there she was. My little sister. ​The sight of her is etched into my soul: ​Ice bags on her eyes. ​Her lips blackened. ​The faint, awful burn mark around her neck. ​Her home-done tattoos.. horrible in their execution, yet somehow, ...

How would you feel? If your almost adopted brother, who you haven't seen for maybe twenty plus years give or take some time, had no idea that his big sister was gone after rebuilding a relationship with her? How would you feel to know after he tells you he doesn't remember you, that you're about to break this complete strangers heart?  My mom and dad were always foster parents for as long as I could remember, there are some foster kids that I remember, && some that I don't. But Brandon, we had for almost two years until his mom started to get better && she got them back. For that, I'm grateful because God knows not many kids get the chance to have their families back, so again I am grateful BUT, the last memory I have is of us handing Brandon to his mom, && him screaming reaching for dad && mom. We were all he knew for a while, we were his safe space. ANYWAY, I remember tryin...

Yesterday was hard. Today, was hard, && honestly I can't even tell you why. Yesterday, was flashes of our last few birthdays with charity here, and charity gone. We always took a shot for her, that still continues whether you're here or not. You realize she would had been 29 this year? I miss her. I miss you.   Today, just like yesterday and maybe it's because I'm in this self realization mode because, life comes at ya fast if you know what I mean.... Anyway, today just like yesterday, I randomly had to fight tears && sometimes I lost but I just did the thing I do, where I avoid looking at anyone, taking a deep breath, and talking shit to myself because who better than to make myself realize, I'm not just "the sad girl" or "the girl who's sister died via her own hand" .... But at the same time I am, and this is fucking grief. I realized I do need to be on meds today, because yes a lot of my sadness is grief, complicated &...

I've hesitated even posting anything BUT this birthday sister would had been a stupid bomb one, had you been here. On this birthday, we would had gone all out as in, even better than that one movie we watched && said it was gonna be your && charity's birthday party ((the name of the movie will come to me at some point I'm sure)). We can't even celebrate this fucking day not anymore. I honestly wish that we could just skip it, like the first of February but alas, we can't. Some how, were just expected to keep going and sister I don't know if you understand how fucking hard it is to sometimes. Given the circumstances, I'm pretty sure you do. There's little things though, that I'm grateful you're not here for.. like losing padre, && hearing your mother tell you exactly what you were terrified would happen.  I need you sister for so many fucking things. I've felt myself disassociating so bad and it's for so many damn r...

I've learned this week in life sister that the movies you watch are what life truly is like. && I don't mean that in the romantic, scary movie kinda way, no. I mean the way that certain movies describe certain groups of people, && how they never seem to change. Which, don't get me wrong it's not a bad thing because, to each their own in reality; it just honestly makes me wish I could go back to that version of me.  Parties aren't the same, after an accidental alcohol induced ulcer, I've kinda taken a step back BUT it's not so much the alcohol I'm after, it's the connection with people again. After you, I lost connections completely, && after padre, well I guess we all know how that's going. I don't know how to be anything but a mom. && Honestly, that's so horrible saying because sister idk who the hell I am. I know that with your help ((as always)), I see how horrible of a person I was in the pa...

Since the arrival of your truck these past few days have been, interesting to say the least.  They've hurt sister because seeing that truck without you in it, around it, or painting it in my driveway fucking, hurts. But I've learned, I was so wrong to ever be mad at you. Since the arrival of your truck, I took the initiative to clean it out, after all you did ask that it go to Aiden. So clean is what I did && that little teal notebook, broke, my, fucking heart. But thank you. From the deepest parts of my soul, of my heart. Thank you. Because now, since I know how aweful I was to you..... No I can't even say I'll change sister, because it's already too late. I'm so, so sorry. I'm beyond sorry. There's no words for what I am sister, besides a piece of shit who fucking failed you. && By failing you, I failed myself, I'm failing these boys, Our friends, mother. The list goes on and on. Just as promised, I showed all the people I could tha...

Dear sister, I have a problem, && I can't accept it.. idk how to take it, idk how to handle it, idk where to even begin getting help for the shit.  It literally started because of the weight of you, && padre and this is what he wanted to avoid from mother, alas, here I am, going thru full blown alcoholic moments.  I miss you, so damn much sister. So much more than you ever expected anyone to miss you. "be happy for me, in the most heartfelt way possible "  Fuck you for that sister. No one can be happy for you! We fucking miss you TOO DAMN MUCH!!!!!!! && I always feel I'm being selfish for it, but maybe I'm not? Who the hell knows anymore sister.  I just know you were so much more needed than you ever gave yourself credit for. You're such a beautiful soul. You.... Were such a beautiful soul.  Since beginning school, I've been learning so much, like how to take a deep breath, and take a step back, acknowledge s...

I've learned so much sister since you've left.  Like my constant need to clean, my constant need for approval, it's all a childhood trauma thing. So since we now know the root of the problem, what can I do to fix it?  I can't fix other people until I fix myself... Right? First things first, gotta recognize the problem. But, how does one fix issues with childhood trauma? We're always taught to let it go, the past I mean. But how are we supposed to let the past go, when we have yet to heal from it?  I guess that's the question most psychologists ask right?  How can I fix this person, if they aren't ready to be helped?  Being uncomfortable is part of that solution. Oddly enough. I think anyways.  It's understanding that, the way you cope with whatever you're going through, isn't healthy. (Gambling, sex, alcohol, meth, heroine, pills, etc. (NOT WEED! COME AT ME! This is my blog. My opinion! 🤷🏻‍♀️)) We have to do it sober. && Fuck is that un...