Ye old hag.

Since the arrival of your truck these past few days have been, interesting to say the least. 
They've hurt sister because seeing that truck without you in it, around it, or painting it in my driveway fucking, hurts. But I've learned, I was so wrong to ever be mad at you. Since the arrival of your truck, I took the initiative to clean it out, after all you did ask that it go to Aiden. So clean is what I did && that little teal notebook, broke, my, fucking heart. But thank you. From the deepest parts of my soul, of my heart. Thank you. Because now, since I know how aweful I was to you..... No I can't even say I'll change sister, because it's already too late. I'm so, so sorry. I'm beyond sorry. There's no words for what I am sister, besides a piece of shit who fucking failed you. && By failing you, I failed myself, I'm failing these boys, Our friends, mother. The list goes on and on. Just as promised, I showed all the people I could that you wrote a note to. The ones you specifically asked to make sure they read them. Kat, Kristen, Rachel, Anthony, Austin, Bransen, mason, lucas, caddy, mother, Teresa, Dixie. Veah didn't read hers. She doesn't know sister. She just knows that you were sick. Having to hold Kristen as she had that anxiety attack on my bed, broke me. But it's because I realized, all of it, is partially my fucking fault. 
That'll never leave my mind. I thank you, everyday for the people you've given me sister, because let's admit it we always shared friends. && Now, we always will. 

Things are about to change sister. They have to. I can't do this anymore. I truly can't. I absolutely lost it reading through that notebook, that beautiful broken notebook that was once your life. I wish I was a better sister. I'll be better. For myself, for these boys, for mother, Kat, Kristen, and Rachel, for vaeh && cayson. I have to. It's gonna be a hell of a ride. But I hope to fucking whatever exists sister, that it's worth it. 




P.s I was NEVER stronger than you. Don't ever think that. I was just so numb to the bullshit, I didn't acknowledge it. && That's where this shits gonna suck. Going back, reliving it all, && fixing the fucked up mess I've put myself into. 


I miss you sister. I love you. Forever && always. To the moon && back. To infinity && beyond. I promise. 


<3, 
You're seester. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The unforgettable white sheet

Image
Trigger Warning: Description of a Loved One After Death by Suicide ​ The Unforgettable White Sheet ​Today, the memories came back in high-definition. They weren't a trigger when I spoke the words aloud to a friend, sharing the truth.. that I lost my sister to suicide. But driving away, the silent miles brought back the small, piercing details, the ones the mind tries to protect you from, but the heart never lets go of. ​It was a small room. Rachel, Mom, Dad, && me. We stood. We all said no when they asked us to sit. ​&& then they pulled it back. That white sheet. ​I will never forget it. The off-white color, the small, almost imperceptible stain near the bottom corner. It was a barrier, && then it was gone. ​&& there she was. My little sister. ​The sight of her is etched into my soul: ​Ice bags on her eyes. ​Her lips blackened. ​The faint, awful burn mark around her neck. ​Her home-done tattoos.. horrible in their execution, yet somehow, ...
Read more

Just me again.. wishing, grasping, healing

Image
Sister, I know you’re watching… I just never know if you can feel what I feel, or hear the things I whisper only in my mind. So tonight, I’m writing it down for you.. loud, bold, && honest.. the way we used to be with each other. Life has been… a lot. Beautiful in moments. Cruel in others. && somehow still stitched together with you in the seams. && I need to give you some instructions.. because you’re in charge of my boy now. Take care of Brody for me, okay?? Give him baths, even if he acts like the world is ending at first. You remember how he’d huff && glare… then suddenly melt into the water like, “Oh yeah… I actually love this.” Scratch that spot at the opening of his ear.. you know the one. && behind his ear too. If you want to make him kick his leg like he’s trying to start a lawnmower, scratch his butt or that one perfect place on his chest. There’s a hidden spot on his belly that makes him lose his mind too.. you’ll find it. ...
Read more

For my little sister who slipped through the stars

Image
You were small, once— all elbows and laughter, a voice that cracked like sunlight through the trees. I still hear it sometimes, in places where silence should live. They say grief softens. But some sorrows stay sharp— like your name on my lips, or the empty chair at the table, or the birthdays that come like storms. I wonder if the world ever felt gentle to you. If your smile was armor, if the weight you carried was just too heavy for your hands. God, you were just a girl. And I—I didn’t know how to reach you. Didn’t see how far you'd wandered behind that bright, brave face. I would’ve gone with you into that dark if it meant you'd stay. Now I carry the questions like relics, and your memory like a lullaby with no end. You were here. You were loved. And you are still— in every quiet moment, in every beam of morning light— my sister. My always. 
Read more