I thought the hard part was over..
How would you feel? If your almost adopted brother, who you haven't seen for maybe twenty plus years give or take some time, had no idea that his big sister was gone after rebuilding a relationship with her? How would you feel to know after he tells you he doesn't remember you, that you're about to break this complete strangers heart?
My mom and dad were always foster parents for as long as I could remember, there are some foster kids that I remember, && some that I don't. But Brandon, we had for almost two years until his mom started to get better && she got them back. For that, I'm grateful because God knows not many kids get the chance to have their families back, so again I am grateful BUT, the last memory I have is of us handing Brandon to his mom, && him screaming reaching for dad && mom. We were all he knew for a while, we were his safe space. ANYWAY, I remember trying to request him on Instagram && never getting a response, I was left in the void so I tried again, && this next time he approved me. Maybe it's because so much has gone on in a short amount of time but I was thinking about him the other night && then thought to ask if he remembered me.
As you see in the conversation above, he had no fucking idea. So, having to break his heart has put me into this weird ass headspace lately.
It hurts. To know that he will never have that connection that they were building. It hurts sister. I fucking miss you. We all do. We're all so lost. So so lost.
But somehow, we have to find a way to live without you. We have to LIVE FOR YOU... You're forever 23. && Were forced to keep living, because you know it's frowned upon to just quit.
But damn man.
I've been trying to think of shit that you didn't give yourself the chance to do like rock climbing or certain concerts etc. But there really wasn't a lot you didn't do. You drove yourself to Ohio to run away, you got to go check out Colorado ((granted I hate the reason you went at this time but still)), you went to see jelly roll before I did && Kevin gates. I think imma go through our messages or think of our conversations to get some ideas.
Not gonna lie sister, I'm anxious as shit, excited, && nervous to meet Brandon.... I lied, not meet, but reunite because there's A LOT that has happened in his life I'm sure just like there's been A LOT that's happened in mine && yours. My main issue is, I'm not you. We were told forever we were twins, people STILL tell me I look && sound like you && honestly it's hard. Because I know if I heard you out in public or just out in general, just like I still do now, I'd search endlessly for you. I still search endlessly for you when I hear your name.
I can't even lie, its been a while since I even opened your phone, I think I was telling myself that I was hurting myself by doing so. Your smiles were lies, only when your other personalities kicked in. You were at a loss when you gave up, I just wish you would had talked to me && told me what to do.
My depression has been in overdrive, BUT, I'm still determined sister, something has to be done so no one feels like this. I didn't deserve to lose my little sister. You didn't deserve to feel so broken, no matter how worthless you felt, you never were. You were my world, my light, && fighting on to live for you has been one of my biggest challenges.
Cheers to meeting our baby brother sister. Thank you for everything, while you were here, && now even while you're gone. I see your signs. I feel your love. Now, it's time to live life for you.
I miss you sister. I love you, Forever && always to the moon && back, to infinity && beyond. I promise.
You deserve to be remembered, && for those that didn't get to meet you, I wish they would had. Your personality was definitely one in a million, && that's something that can never be replaced.
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