Happy 2nd birthday.

I've hesitated even posting anything

BUT this birthday sister would had been a stupid bomb one, had you been here. On this birthday, we would had gone all out as in, even better than that one movie we watched && said it was gonna be your && charity's birthday party ((the name of the movie will come to me at some point I'm sure)). We can't even celebrate this fucking day not anymore. I honestly wish that we could just skip it, like the first of February but alas, we can't. Some how, were just expected to keep going and sister I don't know if you understand how fucking hard it is to sometimes. Given the circumstances, I'm pretty sure you do. There's little things though, that I'm grateful you're not here for.. like losing padre, && hearing your mother tell you exactly what you were terrified would happen. 

I need you sister for so many fucking things. I've felt myself disassociating so bad and it's for so many damn reasons. I hope you're partying it up wherever you are sister because what I hope you're doing in partying, we're doing it in grief every stage, all the time && I will admit, some days seem easier than others but those who know, truly know. 

We miss you down here. We really fucking do. 

I leave for Cali in a few days with the boys && mother and I'm about 100% sure you are who we're missing to make this trip amazing && filled with things that would make it unforgettable. God knows you'd keep the boys calm whilst in the plane, or make it worse for them, I guess it would just depend on your mood for the day. I hate to admit this sister but I think this was the first time I was this numb. And it's not even so much that I'm numb, I'm just so dissociated that, I'm still waiting on your dumbass to fucking call me. I'm still waiting to see your stupid ass face on my phone && you yell at me because you see darkness && realize it's my ear. I wanna hear you say "sissyyyyyyy" all whiney at shit because I won't braid your hair. I feel fucking numb sister because I'm feeling all too much at once. TOO MUCH. Between our mothers thing, not accepting that you left us with no fucking closure, my own fucking demons right now, shit that's going on with the boys lives, ITS ALL TOO FUCKING MUCH!! Which is another lovely reason as to why I don't understand why you ever felt that you were taking life on alone. 

Yes, this shits hard, but fuck, it's so much worse since you've been gone. I've realized sister, I'm not as strong as I thought I was and maybe that's something I need to work on, I honestly don't know what the fuck I need to be working on right now. I just know, I'm slowly losing my grip on what smidge bit of hope I have left for myself, life, etc. Maybe I'll be able to breathe on this trip, maybe I'll see you in a dream, maybe I'll see you sitting on this couch again I don't care how it is sister, I just need you to know I need to know you're here. 

i hope it was a great 2nd unearthed birthday. I hope you're partying it up with uncle Kevin, uncle jim, charity, padre, grumpy grandma, && the grandpa we never got to meet. I can't wait to hear all about it if I ever get the chance. I can't wait to hug your damn neck, && braid your hair again. 

This trip HAS to be time for healing sister. It. Fucking. Has. To. I'll do it for you, I'll do it for padre, and the boys of course, but I have to do this for me because I feel like I deserve, to know a new me. They say you grow around grief && considering I have no idea who the fuck I am since you've left && since padre left, I guess it's time for an adventure. 

I love you forever && always to the moon && back to infinity and beyond I promise. 

Happy ((now belated)) birthday sister. 

((PROJECT X!!!! I told you I'd remember the name of the movie mentioned at the very beginning))