Here we go...

Dear sister, I have a problem, && I can't accept it.. idk how to take it, idk how to handle it, idk where to even begin getting help for the shit. 

It literally started because of the weight of you, && padre and this is what he wanted to avoid from mother, alas, here I am, going thru full blown alcoholic moments. 

I miss you, so damn much sister. So much more than you ever expected anyone to miss you. "be happy for me, in the most heartfelt way possible " 

Fuck you for that sister. No one can be happy for you! We fucking miss you TOO DAMN MUCH!!!!!!!

&& I always feel I'm being selfish for it, but maybe I'm not? Who the hell knows anymore sister. 

I just know you were so much more needed than you ever gave yourself credit for. You're such a beautiful soul. You.... Were such a beautiful soul. 

Since beginning school, I've been learning so much, like how to take a deep breath, and take a step back, acknowledge someone else's perspective and Im not even gonna lie sister, I always thought I walked into a room with an opened mind; BUT maybe not.

One thing this class on top of the song at the beginning plus the following link has made me realize, && maybe it was realized too fucking late is that no matter what I do I will always be fucking unhappy with the person I was at one point. But that was then && this is now, && now is where I'm focused. 

April 26, 2022

I wrote that, over a week ago. Tonight's hard sister. It's been so much harder than I thought it would had been. How do you explain to people, someone you literally have known, for 23 years is dead. Your best friend, your worst enemy, the other half of your DNA; is dead. Because sister, it's hard as fuck to explain this to people. It's hard as fuck to relate lately and maybe that's why I've been so radio silent to the world. I feel so fucking disconnected from everyone, && everything. It literally feels like I'm just fucking existing. I took the meds, I did the therapy, I saw the good in everything sister, for you and for padre, but fuck. When do I get to be happy again? The moments I've had were so fleeting that I'm literally longing for happiness like people do for heroin, meth, coke, pills.... You know, all the typical bullshit people are depending on for happiness. I just don't think I could ever do it again. 

Plus knowing my luck if I ever got sucked into the drug world again, my ass would be in jail or dead. Alcohol hurts lately. My stomach hurts so bad, && I try to drown out that physical pain by drinking more, but it just isn't working anymore, so I'll take that as my sign. ((she says as she drinks beer number 10 without even the slightest of buzzes)). I'll probably just quit tomorrow, because even the taste of it is aweful lately. 

((Beer 14, going onto 15 because tiny is JUST NOW going to sleep.)) It's 11:48 sister. I'm so damn tired && yet so fucking awake it's stupid. I have a slight buzz at this moment, but god knows if it'll last. I wanna take a shower, it's been a few days, but idk if imma have the motivation to do so. 

I miss you. I miss padre. So. So much. 

I've been searching things you guys wrote me, whether it be between birthday cards, letters, all of the Above, to get an "I love you" tattoo, although I have I love you written between the both of you. It needs to be different, because even though you'd love the shit out of it, padre wouldn't. 

I've thrown up too many times to count now ((I say that but it's been two)) the night is still young though ..... 

austin, jalan, && drew ((not that drew)), came && dropped off your truck. I && Anthony smoked for you. Jalan, Austin, drew, Anthony, && I drank a beer for you and left it for you in the truck bed. The minute Austin got in the driver's seat sister, I almost lost it because I COULD FUCKING FEEL the hurt from him. As jalan was attempting to make sure the ramps were perfect so that your truck could come off of the trailer okay, it all fucking hurt, because I could feel it all. && Sister this life is absolute shit without you. Which makes me know, for a fucking fact, that people who leave before their supposed to, NOTHING is ever the same. Life isnt the same, && honestly it shouldn't had continued when you decided to end it. 

You have no idea how many times I walk by a picture of you on a day to day basis, && just flick you off. && Then there's days like today, where I just fucking cry. Because there's days like today where I just fucking can't. 

I need you dumbass. && I'm sorry i depended on you for so fucking much. But fuck man. Even without the shit you'd usually give me, I feel fucking useless. I miss you. I miss your soul, personalities ((because I have yet to find the exact same ones whom coinside with each other)), I just miss your stupid, smart, brilliant, beautiful smart ass. So so much sister. No 😂

Idk how to do this life without you, as much as I'm "attempting to wing it" idk how to do this anymore. I've done everything you advised me to when you were here. BUT it makes me wonder, is this where you were when you finally said fuck it? 

I feel like I need help, but I feel like there are so many things in my way right now sister. 

Be with me. Tell padre, uncle Kevin, grandma, && uncle jim, aunt linda, charity, Billie ((my sponsor))... Every damn one sister, tell them all I miss them, tell Trey Kat misses him more than anything. Tell emi that I miss her more than she could ever fucking understand. 

Please every single one of you, be with me && whom the fuck actually matters to me, because mother of fuck, for the people who still are here; it's hard. And I promise we all hate it here. I promise, we don't know how the fuck to do this without you. Please. Please, be here. 

<3, 

        Sofii.