*Enter drama here* *Insomnia strikes again!!*

I've learned this week in life sister that the movies you watch are what life truly is like. && I don't mean that in the romantic, scary movie kinda way, no. I mean the way that certain movies describe certain groups of people, && how they never seem to change. Which, don't get me wrong it's not a bad thing because, to each their own in reality; it just honestly makes me wish I could go back to that version of me. 
Parties aren't the same, after an accidental alcohol induced ulcer, I've kinda taken a step back BUT it's not so much the alcohol I'm after, it's the connection with people again. After you, I lost connections completely, && after padre, well I guess we all know how that's going. I don't know how to be anything but a mom. && Honestly, that's so horrible saying because sister idk who the hell I am. I know that with your help ((as always)), I see how horrible of a person I was in the past, && sister, from the deepest parts of me, I'm sorry for hurting you while I was hurting. I didn't know that's what it was at the time, I was a child && didn't know better. I should had but I didn't. We were both forced to grow up so fast, && as much as I've heard from your friends that I was all you talked about, I should had been a better sister && that's something that will forever haunt me. 
Sometimes idk what makes this life harder, having had one with you in it, where it was suddenly taken away by your own hand, or having to continue living knowing damn well I took every damn day for granted. I miss you sister. So so much. 
To this day, none of this shit feels real, && I honestly want to go back, to the very first blog. Is there change sister? Have I grown? Am I turning into the person you want me to be? Or wanted me to be.... This is my mind. A million miles a minute. && It never, fucking, stops. But lately, these past few nights I just lay here. && No sister it's not for any reason, I just can't sleep. My heads pounding, it almost feels like taking my sleep meds aren't working, but I can't double up on them or I'll never get up in the morning. It never ends. I made it to counting 68 sheep before I decided to just fucking write this thing. Maybe it's my own form of therapy? Maybe it's to show the other ones hurting because you decided to leave so early that, they're not the only ones who feel helpless, or that they didn't do enough that they aren't alone. It sucks sister, feeling alone. && I 300% know that you know what that felt like, God I hope you don't feel alone now. 
But I've done everything, from the apps that help you sleep, to the sleep meds, to trying to meditate before bed, I honestly just need this damn broke foot ((yes again, I broke my just healed foot in Florida 🤣)) to heal, so I can get into the gym. I miss being able to run that shit out, or swing at the punching bag, lifts because I felt weak && needed to prove to myself I wasn't. I miss the happy my body released just from excersising. 
I remember these few times I dragged you with me to the gym, && you did one thing && we're done. && Another time I took you, you literally sat on the floor && were eating something while I worked out. You were my motivation. Or the thing that's kinda kept me out of my head more than usual when it comes to getting dressed. "Shut the fuck up!! You're beautiful! Want to know how I know? Because we hear ALL THE FUCKING TIME how we look alike or how we're twins. I know I'm hot, so what the fuck does that make you?" 
I honestly think a lot of my confidence came from you sister. You always helped me there. Because idk how many times we were asked if we were twins. Growing up && as adults. 
......
*Deep sigh* 
......
i love you sister. I think I should take my sleeping meds. If not, god knows how long I'll lay here, holding onto every memory I have of you, of padre, of all of our trips whether they be moving across the country or just going fishing. I miss our drunken swimming times. && Smoke sessions. I miss you sister. 

I love you. Forever && always, to the moon && back, to infinity && beyond I promise. Goodnight. Sweet dreams. Give padre a kiss for me. 

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