February 1, 2021

 I guess the story technically starts years and years ago, when Lu's dad, our mom, && I chased you down the Natchez trace at 90+ miles an hour, to stop you from painting the inside of your truck in brain matter. You wanted an opened casket you said, && you wouldn't be able to have that with that being your way to go. 

So let's go back to January 31, 2021. We had a normal conversation throughout the day, but it was the end of the day when I got worried. I remember an uneasy feeling in my heart, and looking at someone saying, something's not right this time. No matter how many times I called, you wouldn't pick up. So we continued to text. You said you didn't have good service at Tottys, which I felt was a crock of shit until I went in that house lol. I remember you saying it was your fault. && mid text, I fell asleep. Lu was only a few weeks old; I was so tired. I remember waking up from a dead sleep around 5:35 in the morning, because my heart dropped. I woke up panicking feeling like I couldn't breathe. Just to find out, around that time is when your first attempts started. The first try, you got nervous, the second, you knew you had it, once you did your lines and decided that was enough and left the rest of the bag in the sink for whoever the next taker was and yanked. Did you know I would be the taker of every single drug you had left sister? Because I honestly felt it was left for me. You knew I wasn't strong enough to stay sober throughout that. So, thanks, I guess? 

The boys got on the bus, Lu's dad left for work, and my phone rang, it was mom. I picked up && knew. She was crying, && all she said was "she did it." I knew sister, that moment. This wasn't a game, the cops couldn't lie to mom and dad like that, because even with our cop friends, they'd never go to that extent. My heart stopped, my world stopped, && I don't remember making any sounds, moving at all. I just said, "I'll be right there." 

I called Rachel before I called Anthony. I don't remember the noise I made, I don't remember what I said, I think it was along the lines of "She's gone. She fucking did it. Taylor's dead." I remember hearing her cry && then saying she'd meet me at mom && dad's house. I remember calling Anthony being calm as shit, Taylors dead, you need to come home. I remember it feeling like it took forever for him to get there, and then once we were in the car going to the house, everything was tunnel vision. I didn't hear anything; I remember feeling in my gut that I knew something was wrong the day before and not doing what I should had. I remember walking into the hospital, holding Rachel's hand, padre hitting the button to say, "we got a call to possibly identify my daughter." && them opening the door, walking us into that first room, and then closing the door. I remember them pulling the sheet back, to see your hair up in a messy bun, eyes closed, bags of ice on them, I could see you cried, there were still tear marks down your cheeks. Your lips sister... we won't talk about that right now. There was a burnish mark on your neck from where you pulled yourself time after time. I remember having this want to take the picture of your arm with your horrible tattoos lol. I remember once they pulled the sheet down off your face, rushing to grab padre a chair, because I knew he was going to go down if not. I remember mother grabbing your face asking you why over and over, and I remember Rachel rubbing your cheek, your hair, and crying. My entire world stopped. Like I watched everything that was happening freeze, && I was the only one who could move && truly see and feel everything that was happening. I remember wanting to scream at the top of my lungs, but I couldn't. It was officially my job to make sure the parents and Rach made it out of this alive. I can't say I failed entirely with padre, I tried. I'm happy I got to do everything I did for him, I'm happy I had Rachel at my side fighting every damn battle I had to fight with me. I don't think I could had done it without her. I truly couldn't had. She's been the only true solid one. I remember Anthony texting me over and over, and me feeling like the reason we had to rush out. I didn't want to leave you. I wanted to scream at you during those moments the world was paused, I wanted to slap you, I wanted to yell at the people who tried to bring you back for over thirty minutes that they didn't try hard enough, but I knew they did everything they could. Your brain had already been without oxygen for twenty plus minutes. Maybe a little longer. I remember the following days, just lying there in bed with a newborn, feeling like my entire existence was in question because, we truly did have a bond. && the minute you left this world something in me broke and the existence of the world, no longer made sense.

I remember picking your casket, and them including the camo lining for free because I mentioned something about you would love it. I remember asking the guy Rachel && I went to school with who oddly enough runs the funeral home now, if we could write on your casket. So, we got a rose gold one, and wrote in sharpie on the day of your funeral. I remember mother accidentally buying lashes that made you look like a stripper, and then sending Anthony to go buy some from Walgreens. Because honestly, I refused to leave your side. I remember Rach asking why your boobs were so hard lol while she was leaning on them to do your makeup. I remember mother && Tia Susy bringing a form of spray paint which is what we called it to attempt to make your hair blonde upon your request. But I think you forgot the essential part of bleaching hair sister, BODY HEAT..... 

I remember everything sister, the time we had alone with you before you had hundreds of visitors, the jokes, and tears, the feeling of "this isn't real, I'm waiting for her to sit up" conversations. I remember putting the wedding ring Charity made you out of aluminum foil on your finger and remembering "SHE CAN NOT GO WITHOUT THAT!" Today's hard sister, and what makes it even harder is doing it sober. I love you; I hope you're having a hell of a party. I miss you.  Forever and always, to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, i promise. 

A million and one ones, to the moon and black.

I love you, Taylor. I always will.

For the readers: none of us could have changed her mind at this point. She made her decision. She loved you each in certain important parts of her life, && for that, I'm grateful. Comments are opened on this post, feel free to drop your favorite picture with her. Share a story, keep her story alive. 

No one ever deserves to feel alone, or that the world is better off without them. 

If it's a story you have of someone else who felt the same way, && left sooner than they should have, share their story. 

I'm always here. I will always listen.