Blunts, shot glasses, && suppressed anger.

We had such this weird way of loving each other. Constantly breathing down each other's necks, but always there for each other. Through thick && thin. My ride or die. 

I came across this memory the other day, where you called me your hero. For many reasons, but one being, staying alive although I thought I had plenty of reasons not to be. 

What about now? Can you be proud? You're not here anymore. 

I had this reply to that report you took && read at school. && I hope I find it soon. Because it was honest. It was how I felt then, && how I feel now. 

There's just more now. 

They say there's a song for everything, && sister, you left me an entire playlist. I listen to it on repeat. I very seldom listen to my own music anymore. But I did add a few songs. Because they were fitting. && Just like before, I will always share my music with you, just like you did me. 

Something was said the other day, && it kind of caught me off guard. They said "you expect me to understand what mood youre in because of what you're going through" 

((Im sure I butchered that. My mind is everywhere right now)) 

&&, The truth is. No. I don't expect anyone to even attempt to understand. Because I don't even understand. 

It's such a bullshit roller coaster. Some days I'm fine, others, I look at jr && lose my shit, or the even better one, we drive past your road, && I feel my heart sink into my stomach. 

Your trucks right over that hill. && I'll never see you in it again. 

I have to keep the people who loved you close, it gives me this piece of you. 

Because like Ive said before, we all had these different pieces of you. Which made you the beautiful human being you are. It completed you. 

I wish you could had seen it. 

I go back to this message all the time. 

"I love you bitch"

Because I realized, that's when you knew. You had your plan. && You just had to let me know one more time, that no matter what, no matter where you are, you do love me. 

As much as I listen to this song, I've been dreading posting it.

Because when I sent you this song, you drove to my house. && Were here in 15 mins. 

But after you left && I could feel the lyrics, it was so much different. This song is so different now. Because I know you are sorry. I know if you could, you would take it back. 

The second part of this song though sister. It is what I've screamed to you. 

I hope you got what you wanted

I hope you finally happy

It's too late for you

Been going out of my mind

You don't know how many times that I done prayed for you

I hope you hear me, goddamn it

Cause I got so much shit that I wanna say to you

I used to shine, now I'm all in the dark

I remember I used to tell you to follow your heart

But goddamn it, look at you now, it's all of your fault

How could you?

Maybe it's my fault

I shoulda paid more attention to what you been doing

Maybe I should have been more of an influence

I can't believe that you're dead, I fu-

I read your letter and all I could do is have mixed feelings about it

But I'll forever be attached to you, damn

Part of me feels bad for you

A part of me feels like you weak and I'm mad at you

And I don't mean to be insensitive

But I don't understand how we couldn't prevent this shit

You took the easy way out

Goddamn it, you dead

I mean, look what you did

I'm so fucking upset, how could you be so selfish?

Nigga, how could you be so selfish?

Now you're gone, you done left me so helpless

I wonder what God thinks

I hope you in God's place behaving yourself

Yo, what the fuck you gotta say for yourself? (say for yourself)

Look, I really feel lost without you

I hate the fact you think the world is better off without you

And my mind's spinning, this is the line finish

Truth is, I don't care how you feel about my feelings

And I'd be lying to you if I told you I'm fine, listen

I know that you can hear me, all I need is like five minutes

I just wanna reach inside the casket and pull you out

I'm sorry this isn't something that we both could figure out

I wish I could hear you now

Is your soul missing?

I wonder if you could do it again, would you do it different?

Tell me what death is likee

Was it meant for you, brodie?

Did the heaven support it?

Are you fucking happy now?

Did you get what you wanted?

Isn't this what you wanted?

I feel the temperature falling

And you've been suicidal back day you were nine?

Yeah, even back then, you was nine

We was living on the edge, couldn't stay out the fire

Grandma told us we should take it one day at a time

And damn it, look at you now

Shit, but it's a new day

And if you can't hear me, it's probably too late

FUCK

Some days are so much harder than others sister.

&& It seems to hit the most when I pick up the phone to call you.

I'm so tired of it. You not being here. 

I love you. 

I can't wait to see you again. Idk what I'd do without the select people you left me with sister. I truly don't. 

So shout out to them. 

Austin, Tucker, Donald, Bransen, Kat, Kristen, Raven, Randall. 

Of course Rachel && anthony are in the mix. But they aren't allowed to go anywhere. So there's that.

We all love you. So so much sister. 

There's no amount of words nor emotions to describe what life is without you. 

It shouldn't be spinning is the only way I know to describe it. 

I love you. I miss you. Forever && always. A million && one ones. To the moon && black. I promise. 

 I love you. 

You were always enough.