T-minus two days.

I remember this day so clearly. We went paddle boating at the park you used to work for. The one in Dickson. I had my beer with lime, you had your beer && on we went with the boys. Later after getting a marvelous tan, we swam with the boys. That was the good. The bad came so much later, but we'll skip that part for today. 

You would be twenty-seven this year. && that is a big year sister. I wonder what your plans would have been this time for this event. You would had celebrated all week none-the-less but I truly wonder what you would had done. Would it had been a subtle little party in-between close friends, or even a big party with anyone you could invite? Would it had been family oriented .. I guess it's something we'll never know. It's something I'm always going to wonder what if on. You are always going to be a what if in my life now sister. I've been struggling lately, so much that you truly understand. 

A trip to the Psych ward worthy I know for a fact, (don't worry, I planned on talking to my therapist about it this week)

The entire point of this sister is, let me put it as easy as I can. 

Life without you is like missing a piece to my heart, a missing puzzle piece if you will. 

You were the poison put in animals to keep them safe from predators,

The antidote for those poisons accidentally injected into unknowing passerbys. 

You were a miracle for those begging for one 

You were the peanut butter to my Reese's, 

The glue that kept everyone together. 

You were the rhythm that kept my heart beating, 

The rhythm to the music. 

Your eyes shined brighter than some of the brightest days there were, with so much mystery behind them, that you always drew everyone in

Long story short, there isn't one day my heart beats regular (afib to sinus rhythm to be exact),

There isn't one day that the sun shining doesn't remind me of your eyes,

There isn't one day that goes by, that I don't think of you. 

Something hit me hard the other day, but first, this picture. 

It hit me that I don't remember what your hugs feel like,

Nor the way your hair smells when I went in for a hug, 

I don't remember what it feels like to hear your heartbeat. 

The last time I laid my head on your chest, we were getting ready to say goodbye to your shell for forever. 

It's hitting me hard that you didn't make it to 27. It's hitting me hard that you aren't here to root me on being sober. 

It's hitting me hard that I don't remember your hugs 

Everything sister, this entire ride of grief .... It's hitting me hard. 

I know they say it's a roller coaster, there's no linear healing.. etc. etc, but this, sometimes it's like the day we lost you all over again. 

I can't breathe some days Taylor. And lately, it's more so often than id like to explain. 

I'm doing the books, I'm taking the therapy, I'm taking the meds, why isn't this fucking better? Oh, maybe because life was better with your dumbass in it sister. 

I'm so mad at you today. I want to smack you, but in reality, all id do is cry if you were here. 

If by some damn miracle, I got another dream, or some vision of you. I'd cry because I miss your beautiful face so much. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss your tears. Hell I miss your random ass strains of hair every damn where.

Life was so much better with you in it sister. 

I wish you woulda seen that. 

I hope youre making treys anniversary a party. You deserve at least that. I'm kidding, I hope that life is everything you hoped it would be. Truly. 

Happy anniversary trey. Give em hell. 

As for you Tay? 

I miss you. I love you. So much more than I can ever put into words. 

I can't wait to have your bday bbq. Because why not celebrate your birthday? 

Featuring screen shot of my permission from the funeral director of Centerville for her birthday BBQ posted at her gravesite. 

Birthday BBQ it is sister. Including ribs, steak, and chicken. Just the way we'd have it for you. 

Forever && always, to the moon && back, to infinity && beyond. I promise. 

Happy birthday week sister. 

Your seester,

Sofii.