"Write about it. A memory, a thought, a place"

I'm watching the great Gatsby sister. My fucking favorite movie. && It does nothing but make me miss you more. I haven't watched it since we watched it. 
&& .... Just today, I'm so mad at you. 

I talked someone out of suicide the other night... && It made me even madder at you. 
Because, I did it. She didn't carry through with it. && All I could feel, was hope. Because the worst feeling in the world, is saying that someone you love, chose to leave. 

I've needed you so bad. 
I've had to help with date nights. Which was always your thing. The attempt in application of eyelashes... Again, definitely your thing. && Now I want extensions && guess who's damn thing that was?!? 
You always used to say you werent the crafty one. But in reality sister, we both were. You focused your art on writing, && makeup. 
Mine simply goes on a canvas, or in resin. 
We used music to cope a lot. && You've ruined that for me lately. 
Idk why my heart feels so fucking heavy. But it is. 

I had an anxiety attack the other day. 
Because I realized, we are seven years apart. 
So if you're forever 23, I guess I'll pretend to be forever 30. 
Even when I'm 60. 
I can't sister. 
I simply can't. 

"This is grief. This is healing. This is what you have to do"
IM SO FUCKING SICK OF HEARING THOSE PHRASES! 
This isn't just fucking normal grief! My fucking sister chose to die. MY SISTER CHOSE TO DIE. 
&& As much as she said not to blame ourselves. I blame me. Every. Damn. Day. 

Did I not love her enough? Was I not supportive enough? Did I not tell her she was appreciated && needed? 
I could had sworn I did. 

The drugs took her. 
The drugs that made her believe shit that wasn't real. Took my sister. 
&& Yet, why is it so hard to stay sober? 
I'm not saying I would go back to it. But maybe it's the rage, maybe it's the hurt. I just want to feel, absolutely nothing.. 


I miss you. 
Extra hard today sister. 
But I'm also so mad at you today. 
I just want my head to stop. I want the thoughts to stop racing. && They won't. How are my thoughts racing? When time stood still the moment you left? 

Life hasn't been the same sister. 
It never will be. 
I love you. I miss you. 

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