Is this becoming an everyday thing?

Life is weird. Grief is weird. 
&& I had this entire thing thought out in my head, && I lost it. 



Day three of starting this... It's so weird, to be trapped in your own head, knowing you should have full control, but you yourself, are stopping you. Your insecurities, self doubt. All of it. 
I drove today sister. 
I drove to padres house because mother is in the hospital for emergency surgery on her gallbladder which they just removed entirely. 
But I got to talk to padre. I just laid on the bed, && talked. *Deep sigh*
I miss you guys. 
It all hit yesterday.. I know why he was so scared to leave. 



He was terrified mother && I would feel like he did after he lost his brothers. Alone. 
No matter how many times we told him he wasn't alone, he didn't listen, but I don't think we did that well at showing him we truly were there. 
It wasn't until after you died Tay, that he started telling me how dark his mind really was getting. He just couldn't do it. He gave up. 
&& It's so bad, because at some point last night, I physically felt my heart break. All because of an anxiety attack. && I realized, if anything happens to mother, I'm alone. That's it. Us four against the world. Has turned to three, to now two against the world. 

So when I say reality has kicked into gear, I mean it. Because my mind went, hopeless. 
I'm still kind of half ass there, but, again, realization of, I can't leave mom, the boys, Anthony, Rachel, Kat, Kristen && everyone that knows whom they are ((Cassie, Bree, Cassidy)) lol imma feel bad if I don't name someone who regularly checks up on us. But y'all know who you are. 
I can't leave like you left us. Full of questions. Never to gain closure. 
It fucking sucks here sister. The world is so empty without you && padre. It truly is. Y'all were truly a fucking light in this shit ass world. 

So here we are, about 6 hours later. Still existing. 
Madres here. Finally. I'm a litter better ease wise than when she was in the hospital, && I couldn't visit. I've missed her. 
I feel so alone sister. 
&& I'm not. Not right now. I'm surrounded by people. But I feel so alone. I just feel empty. 

I miss you sister. I'll post a picture of the next tattoo for you. Maybe. If I get it tonight. 

I love you seester. Forever && always. To infinity && beyond. To the moon && back..... I promise. 
Cross my heart. Hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye. 

(Welcome to the first promise Tay && I ever made that we kept together.) 




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