July 23rd... why today?

I like how as soon as I started trying to write this, both the cats, whom you would love, try to escape from the screen door to love me.. theyre very keen on when they're needed if you know what I mean. 

Anyways. Idk what it is about today. I really don't. 
Maybe it was when Anthony called me out on my shit as to why I get so anxious to leave the state now... 
"Because the last time you left, you knew something was wrong" 
&& What I said, I guess made me process everything. 
"It wouldn't had mattered if I was in this state or not... She made her decision"

&& That was it .. 
This morning when I got the creamer out of the fridge, I just touched the picture of us, on the fridge, put my head down, && tried to remember the good. 
That's what the therapist tells me to do anyways. When you get like that, think of the good. 
&& The good is what makes me so sad ..  

I don't think you realized, here we are, almost half a year without you.... && I STILL have NUMEROUS PEOPLE SISTER!!!! NUMEROUS people who call me, && text me ... All saying they miss YOU. Because you, yea, YOU lit up so many peoples lives. 

I'm so mad at you today sister. I miss you so much. I wanna punch your arm. But I can't. 
&& It's fucking killing me. 


I miss these. The random ones. 
I'm here for the good && the bad fucker. 
This shit hurts without you here. 
Life hurts 

I'm mad that I have to tell veah about you. I'm mad I have to take her to your headstone && make her a memorial plaque like I have with Kat && Kristen.
I'm mad that you won't be here to celebrate her eight birthday. 
I'm pissed that you never met my tiny who's starting to look like you. 
He looks just like jr at his age ...
This shit hurts sister. 

I miss you. 


God if you're hurting, get help. 
This pain, that the people behind feel, it's so bad. 
I can't imagine what my mom, && dad are feeling. I can't imagine what my kids are feeling. What her boyfriend was feeling. 
I can't imagine what the friends who lost touch with her are feeling, or the ones who didn't. 
It all hurts regardless. 


I can't imagine. 
I love you sister. 
I miss you. ...
But 








Fuck you. 🖕🏼
I love you. But fuck you. For all this hurt. 
I miss you. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The unforgettable white sheet

Image
Trigger Warning: Description of a Loved One After Death by Suicide ​ The Unforgettable White Sheet ​Today, the memories came back in high-definition. They weren't a trigger when I spoke the words aloud to a friend, sharing the truth.. that I lost my sister to suicide. But driving away, the silent miles brought back the small, piercing details, the ones the mind tries to protect you from, but the heart never lets go of. ​It was a small room. Rachel, Mom, Dad, && me. We stood. We all said no when they asked us to sit. ​&& then they pulled it back. That white sheet. ​I will never forget it. The off-white color, the small, almost imperceptible stain near the bottom corner. It was a barrier, && then it was gone. ​&& there she was. My little sister. ​The sight of her is etched into my soul: ​Ice bags on her eyes. ​Her lips blackened. ​The faint, awful burn mark around her neck. ​Her home-done tattoos.. horrible in their execution, yet somehow, ...
Read more

Just me again.. wishing, grasping, healing

Image
Sister, I know you’re watching… I just never know if you can feel what I feel, or hear the things I whisper only in my mind. So tonight, I’m writing it down for you.. loud, bold, && honest.. the way we used to be with each other. Life has been… a lot. Beautiful in moments. Cruel in others. && somehow still stitched together with you in the seams. && I need to give you some instructions.. because you’re in charge of my boy now. Take care of Brody for me, okay?? Give him baths, even if he acts like the world is ending at first. You remember how he’d huff && glare… then suddenly melt into the water like, “Oh yeah… I actually love this.” Scratch that spot at the opening of his ear.. you know the one. && behind his ear too. If you want to make him kick his leg like he’s trying to start a lawnmower, scratch his butt or that one perfect place on his chest. There’s a hidden spot on his belly that makes him lose his mind too.. you’ll find it. ...
Read more

For my little sister who slipped through the stars

Image
You were small, once— all elbows and laughter, a voice that cracked like sunlight through the trees. I still hear it sometimes, in places where silence should live. They say grief softens. But some sorrows stay sharp— like your name on my lips, or the empty chair at the table, or the birthdays that come like storms. I wonder if the world ever felt gentle to you. If your smile was armor, if the weight you carried was just too heavy for your hands. God, you were just a girl. And I—I didn’t know how to reach you. Didn’t see how far you'd wandered behind that bright, brave face. I would’ve gone with you into that dark if it meant you'd stay. Now I carry the questions like relics, and your memory like a lullaby with no end. You were here. You were loved. And you are still— in every quiet moment, in every beam of morning light— my sister. My always. 
Read more