"Be happy for me, in the most heartfelt way possible"

Maybe it's just too hard for me to grasp
(I started typing this MONTHS ago sister. It's been a while)

The title, it was part of your note. && Sister, I'm here to tell you, I can't. 
There was no being happy after you left. 

Here we are, January 6th. Tinys first bday. 
Charity's 6th anniversary, of the day she died. She's been gone six years today sister. && The hurt hasn't decreased in any form. I still cry when I start thinking about her. 
Just like I do when I think about you. && Padre. 
My list grew a little more the other day. Billie. My sponsor, I hope you were there waiting for her too sister. You knew how important she was to me. I'm happy y'all two had met. 

I've decided I'm pulling myself out of of this fucking hole I've managed to get myself in. 
I called to have my meds refilled. && Re-evaluated. I need the help sister. Its getting so bad again. 

I miss you today sister. It's so weird, to hear people talk about temperatures whilst being sick. Because, mother, Rachel, && I watched padres get so fucking high. So unbelievably high. && It's like the nurse said, there's been some even higher than what padres was. But, because of how high it was, it wasn't going to be long. The brain starts it's shut down at 103. His got so much higher. 

I know to be grateful for the time I had with you, charity, padre, && Billie. But damn man. Really? My best friend, My sister, my father, && then my sponsor... If that isn't a cliche that starts some type of fucked up movie or book lol. 
But I'm here existing. Trying to build the motivation to make this beautiful little boy his first cake. I'll drink some coffee. That'll do it. I'll drink some coffee, listen to some music, or motivational speeches, && breathe in this view. It's beautiful sister. I can see you doing donuts at the end of my road. So I'll have Anthony do a few for you while I'm in the car. I'll do it for all of you. 

Maybe I'll paint today. I'm not sure. I just know that I'm doing this thing now, I will be better than I was yesterday. I will strive to find the happy moments. I will create happy moments. Because I'm living this life for all of you now. For you sister, && for padre, since y'all both chose suicide. I'm loving for Billie, because she told me to. 
So maybe I'll play in the snow while tiny sleeps. Maybe I'll paint, make stickers. Something. I just know I will be better than I was yesterday. 

I love you sister. I'm sorry I'm all over the place. Along with being reevaluated, I shall see what I can do about my ADHD. Because it doesn't help the demons when they're all over the place. 
Running amuck in my head. Like the entire buildings on fire lol. 
I miss you sister. I miss you padre. I miss you charity. I miss you Billie. I love y'all. So so much. 
happy new year sister. 

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