insert suicide boys song here...

Today's been hell. Full of nothing but literally nothing. 

I've been sad. I miss you so much. 

This popped up on my memories today, && honestly I've been dreading it since February 1st. 

Because for some stupid reason, that was one of the things I thought about as I was staring at you on that table. That days been playing over && over in my head. 

Walking into that room in the hospital. Rachel holding my hand, you were covered, && for some stupid reason, I kept thinking, no, it's not her. It doesn't even look like her under that sheet. 

But there you were. Hair in a messy bun, I could see where you had been crying. 

I remember holding mother's face as she kept kissing you && repeating your name. I had to hold her face && tell her to breathe. 

I walked over to padre as he sat in that chair asking why over && over. 

I kissed you, I hugged you, I played with your hair.

They had you covered in ice to preserve whatever organs they could. 

Thank you for helping the people you could, with what you gave. The nerves, some skin. Idr what else there was tbh. 

We all miss you. So so much. It's so hard to be grateful for the times we had, when we could have had so much more.. 

There are still so many holidays, birthdays, events, selfies to be taken, drinks to be drank... But, I'm trying. Sometimes it's just hard to get out of that hole. The one in your mind. You know this. Obviously. 

I wonder what's going on in your ghostly mind right now. I wonder if you miss us. 

I've vowed I'm not having a birthday this year. 

Lol remember how before every birthday, you'd apologize to me, because somehow, shit always went down on my bday. 

Every year when you were in highschool, once I was stable enough money wise, && Chris kept the boys, is try to make plans. Whether it be with friends, or mother && padre, or even you!! 

I got a text one day, "I'm sorry. I love you. Shit is about to go down" && then mother && padre got a call, && off to the school they went. 

That's when the case against Andrew got started. When everything unfolded. 

He's in jail again... For what reason God only knows. 

But moving on, you were always ALWAYS the FIRST to say happy birthday. 

Whether it be video chat, text, call, or just you being there...  You were always the first. && It started when we were little. 

I miss you. 

So this year, there's no birthday. 

We've always been seven years apart sister. 

Since you're forever 23, I'll stay forever 30. Even when I'm old, if I make it that far. 

I will turn my phone off if I have to. Moment of silence for the almost birthday bitch come the 24th please && thank you. 

Stay tuned for more mental breakdowns posts lol. 

Thank you sister. For having your birthday with me last year. It truly means so fucking much that I got to spend that birthday with you, both of us eating our birthday chicken, drinking our Stella rose. 

It will forever be something I charish now. Forever. 

I love you. Forever && always. To the moon && black. A million and one ones. 

Times. 

I promise.