I watched, your little girls heart get broken today.

She was so scared. we sat her on the couch, && she kept saying she was so scared. 
So when Kristen, looked at her, she told her that you had died. You were sick for a long time. && You died. You lost. 

I was so mad at you Taylor. For making me do this again. 
I thought I was done when I told the boys. But no. The look in her eyes sister. She fell apart. 
She cried. && Asked if you were in heaven... 

&& The reality is, that you're not..... && It fucking kills me. 
Being stuck in pergatory for forever doesn't sound like fucking heaven..... But you know... You thought that was your best option.. 
I'm sorry .. the drugs made you think that was your best option.. 

I can't believe you left this little girl. She was your world. You could had won her back Taylor. You know you could had. 




So I started writing that yesterday... Today's the 22nd. The day after our adopted sisters birthday, the day after we broke the news to vaeh.

I gave her a part of you. && It fucking killed me doing it. Because you told me to keep it safe. && It was one of the only things I had of yours that I could physically hug. 
I fucking miss you. 
I gave her your blue elephant. The one I took to the hospital with me when I had tiny. 
You were there the entire time. Thru video chat, && physically. 
Why. WHY WHY WHY?!?
like damn Taylor!!! I can't physically yell at you. So I'll do it here... 
IM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH NOT HAVING CLOSURE!! IM NOT OKAY WITH THE FACT THAT YOU NEVER MET TINY!! IM NOT OKAY WITH ANY OF THIS!!!! 


But again. Maybe I'm being selfish right? 

You'd be so fucking proud of Christina Taylor. You'd be so proud of her. She's doing so well..she's got six months under her belt now. 
I've been her sponsor until she found a permanent one. && Honestly, just being there, is one of the most wholesome feelings ever. 
Because, I know I'm doing what you wanted. You may not have left detailed instructions, but I gotchu sister. 
I got into your locked phone to find your suicide note. I, always had your six. 

Here we are, four days later, && I'm just now going to post it. 

We miss you asshole. So so much. 
I wish you knew that. 

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