August 1, 2021 is coming so quick sister.

I ran across this picture, while looking for pictures to send to Christina. && Was instantly flooded with memories. 
After that, I had to put my phone down. I had to reground myself. ((Thanks Pinterest)) && I had to breathe. 

I want to punch you so bad this week. && I honestly couldn't tell you why. 
My therapist made me realize, you truly were my person.
Why am I struggling to open up to people? Because you were who I went to... 
Why am I struggling with my mental on the whole religion topic? 
Because that was what we did for each other... We gave each other hope that maybe there is a god && maybe he really is watching us && maybe we'll all be together again... 
Why am I struggling with sobriety? 
Because you chose to use before you passed on. To whatever freaking realm you're in.. && you promised me.... You promised Taylor.... 
Why am I struggling with anger? 
Because I can't physically tell you how I feel. I can't get that closure. 
Why am I struggling to understand? 
Because you can't answer my nor anyone's question as to ... Why... 


There's a few people that have had a dream with my sister. 
&& It's crazy how the dream was alike in everyone's version of it. ((As in how they explained it to me)) 
Im struggling with this belief in god && what not. Yes, BUT I've always believed that spirits can linger.

The people she's visited, she truly visited. && It was when they needed her most. 
Not in the way any of us wanted. But, she was there. When we needed her most. 
I won't say how the dreams were alike, because, ya know. Then everyone has them.... 
The weirdest thing of it all, was when Aiden's therapist came by && told me about her dream with you sister. 
Thank you for checking on us that way. 
I miss you. 


Just in case my readers ever feel overwhelmed, this is what I've had to do lately.
I'm kind of on this mission. 
I HAVE to tell her story. I HAVE to make sure people understand how scary the mind can get. 
The entire stigma has to freaking end. 
This is my therapy. One way to cope I guess. 
Like my therapist keeps telling me. Over && over... && In all reality I think she's telling me the same thing over && over, because that's all you really can tell someone in my mindset. My situation. 
Grief takes it's many forms. && Just because you had one amazing day. Doesn't mean the next day will be. Or even the day after that. You're working through grief. Be patient with yourself. 


I just wanna be genuinely happy again damnit. 
&& I'm scared I'll never get back to that.
Be patient sofi. It's only been only ((almost)) 6 months.... 
No... You don't understand...  


.. that was my fucking person.. 
&& Now.. she's gone .. 


For those of you still reading. 
Keep fucking fighting. Please. 
It's hard. && It's dark. I know. 
But fuck, it's gotta get easier. Right? 

I'm here. Always 
I love you sister. 
I miss you. 
Goodnight. 


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