Things I want to say..

Life is weird. Grief is weird.  && I had this entire thing thought out in my head, && I lost it.  Day three of starting this... It's so weird, to be trapped in your own head, knowing you should have full control, but you yourself, are stopping you. Your insecurities, self doubt. All of it.  I drove today sister.  I drove to padres house because mother is in the hospital for emergency surgery on her gallbladder which they just removed entirely.  But I got to talk to padre. I just laid on the bed, && talked. *Deep sigh* I miss you guys.  It all hit yesterday.. I know why he was so scared to leave.  He was terrified mother && I would feel like he did after he lost his brothers. Alone.  No matter how many times we told him he wasn't alone, he didn't listen, but I don't think we did that well at showing him we truly were there.  It wasn't until after you died Tay, that he started telling me how dark his mind really ...

11:31. That's what time I'm starting this. I just want my mind to shut the hell up.  I'm so damn sad. I tried to watch it's a wonderful life, because, we all know, it was padres favorite Christmas movie ever. We both grew up on it. We'd watch it on repeat.. I cried earlier be auss on Amazon, it glitched then wouldn't play.  I just want this to feel right. && It doesn't.  Nothing about this feels right.  I gave kat her gift, && she gave me mine.  We both got each other "wine tumblers/coffee cups" it was absolutely beautiful. It reminded me, I have to keep fighting this shit. I have to.  Sister, when I say my mind got so damn dark today, I just wanted to lay on the couch && cry. && Sleep. But I didn't. I got the fuck up. && I can't lie, it was one of the hardest things I've done in a while. Taking care of tiny, one of the hardest things. Sitting here right now, watching frozen... One of ...

None of this feels right.  Usually these are letters to you sister, or posts. But I think it's more so a grateful thing for padre && you.  Because, today, it doesn't feel right.  Whilst wrapping presents, I could hear you && padre arguing the entire time, && both of you coming out with smiles on your faces. I remember how proud you were when we opened our gifts because of course, padre got them.  It doesn't even feel like it should be Christmas Eve. I don't want to exist sister.  I just want to sit on the couch. In silence. Staring at pictures. Reliving everything I can remember.  Fuck that car wreck man. Do you know how many stories I can't fucking remember because of that car wreck?  I'm wandering. I'm sorry. Here goes....  I'm grateful that padre showed me what gelato was, && that he was right because I really do like it more than ice cream.  I'm happy I have the memory of tying my sled to the back of his la...

I know you were standing there waiting for him. I know you were helping him stay asleep with the temperature he was at. I hope you plan on haunting Jill for being the bitch she is.  I'm so happy we got the time with padre that we did. It makes me wonder, had you stuck around, would he still be here? He only gave up because you did. I hope you two are together again. Partying it up.  I hope you're waiting for us.  But fuck is this hard. Hot damn does it feel wrong.  Time should had stopped the day you died. But it kept going. Things kinda went back to normal....ish. if that's even what we could call it.  But the morning I knew that was it for padre, time froze. && He took his last breathe. && Instantly, I felt like I did when I saw you under that sheet.  Time, stopped. It got harder when the funeral director came && picked you up from the house. After we held your hand for maybe an hour. We played music for you, for an hour plus some ...

I don't even know where to begin sister. I stayed the night with mother tonight to help with padre, && let me tell you. This shit is hard.  I feel so fucking helpless. I just want to take it all. The pain. The racing heart. All of it. Highest I've seen his heart rate today, was 186. && It scared me.  He's running a fever now.  Fucking fuck sister I just want you here. We need you. You could be having a sleepover with us right now, if that's what we even call this.  I keep telling him he doesn't have to hold on anymore. Not if he's in this much pain. But you know padre. Too damn stubborn to listen lol.  It's the things like this that I'll miss. He had enough strength to stick his tongue out at me two days ago, now, it takes all of his strength just to open his eye.  He's so swollen sister. So so swollen. Holding his hand, he holds the impression like a memory foam mattress. && It just pains me. He gave up after you. Just like y...

It's a whole new level of hard, bringing your father home to die. It's so hard, to see him in the condition he is in. I miss his smart ass remarks. && He's still right here.  I've been here everyday since he's been home sister. && If the thought of moving in didn't give me anxiety, I probably would have done it already.  There's so many memories here. Between us, && our shit. To my demons that I had to fight. All of our demons. Hence the bittersweet of the thought of buying it. Renting it. Something.  We put the blanket I made for padre on him the first day he was home, && he wouldn't stop touching your face. Of everyone on the blanket, uncle Kevin, uncle Jim, grandma, grandpa, && you, your face was the one that had to be within reach.  It's so hard to watch this sister. To physically watch him deteriorate. I knew it was inevitable. But that doesnt stop the fact that no one could ever be prepared for this.  May...

November 8th, the day Dustin died. Kat && I went to his grave. I went for you sister. We had a beer for you && him. We danced. We shared stories. We cried. All of it. It was beautiful. It really was.  That's the day everything went to shit.  **FIVE WEEKS LATER** Sometimes, you need the silence. Sometimes, you need to stand alone with the door wide open as the wind is howling through your backyard.  && While that winds howling, you light up, inhale, && exhale, thinking of nothing but, I wish you were truly here. The helacious storms were always our thing. Mother was always the one to yell at you, padre, && I, to get away from the front door. Or get away from the patio. So we'd all escape to the carport. && Then it was just you && me sister.  Now Everytime I'm there && it's raining.... It's just me..  Listening to the wind now. It's calming.  I'm losing my shit internally, BUT, its somewhat calmi...

I saw this on FB. && I started typing this long post, but then I realized, the select few that still reach out, && say, I miss her. They're usually the ones who read these.  So I'll just say what I was going to, here.  I sometimes am still in awe at how many people regretted not reaching out to you sister. But damn did those numbers dwindle down the longer it had been. There's only a few select few that are still longing for you to be here. That still miss you. There's still a select few, like me, that, need you.  I can't be mad at some of the people that showed. Because life does happen. && Maybe they regretted losing connection with you, because it was more than likely a stupid fight, or just, choices made. Who knows. I just know life happens. && The people that still reach out, feel so responsible, they're still so sorry, etc.  It just, shows me sister, you truly were a huge impact on people's lives. You truly were a light ...

It's so weird. It doesn't feel like a holiday so to speak. I'm in all black. Per norm, wearing your spaghetti strap shirt, your choker, your makeup, && your bracelets.  You should be here sister. Padre should be home, we should be drinking a bottle of Stella Rosa.  But alas. This year, we won't be.  It's raining. So, the weather is fitting.  It definitely is nowhere the same without you sister. Eating potatoes, isn't the same, the deviled eggs. Everything. Nothing. Is. The. Damn. Same.  I was beyond grateful that Anthonys grandmother had us for Thanksgiving. Me, the boys, mother. But with padre in the hospital, && you gone. It's just not the same  Thanksgiving, isn't, Thanksgiving. Just like Christmas isn't going to be Christmas.  Everything is so different. Your birthday, my fucking birthday, Thanksgiving, soon to be Christmas, new years. Everything.  I hate grief. It works in different ways. Holidays are different as shit. I can ...