Merry Christmas Eve

None of this feels right. 

Usually these are letters to you sister, or posts. But I think it's more so a grateful thing for padre && you. 

Because, today, it doesn't feel right. 

Whilst wrapping presents, I could hear you && padre arguing the entire time, && both of you coming out with smiles on your faces. I remember how proud you were when we opened our gifts because of course, padre got them. 

It doesn't even feel like it should be Christmas Eve. I don't want to exist sister. 

I just want to sit on the couch. In silence. Staring at pictures. Reliving everything I can remember. 

Fuck that car wreck man. Do you know how many stories I can't fucking remember because of that car wreck? 

I'm wandering. I'm sorry. Here goes.... 

I'm grateful that padre showed me what gelato was, && that he was right because I really do like it more than ice cream. 

I'm happy I have the memory of tying my sled to the back of his lawnmower. Him saying hold on, me not listening, && we hit a bump, I went flying. && Lost my front tooth... Plot twist. The tooth fairy couldn't come because my tooth got lost in the snow && somewhere in the impact of my face bouncing because padre kept riding the mower as I drug behind the sled for a good second. Lol it's funny now, at the time, twas not. 

i don't remember this picture. Nor those slippers......

Nope. I lied. It took me physically holding the picture && about ten minutes to remember. This was right after Christmas. I literally had a flash back. Not ptsd so to speak, but something of the sort. 

I'm grateful that I had that flashback just now. Because, padre, sister. I'm losing my faith. So fucking fast. 

Life is physically terrifying without the both of you. We have this new years thing to go to on the 31st. && The fact that I've had to warn people, I'm not gonna be fun to be around. 

Because I'm not. I don't wanna drink. Because it's getting me nowhere. My anxiety meds arent working for gods sake. 

I'm going to keep trying. Maybe it's just too much at once. Internalizing everything on accident. && Now? It's so much worse. 

Everyone in the world can say "you can talk to me" && I know I can. BUT I want answers. && No one's been able to give me any. 

&& Let me tell you, if I have one more therapist tell me to "Google my symptoms", imma lose my shit. 

I feel, so much at once. 

I don't want to do this fucking Holiday. Even tho I know padre would want us to. "Don't be a scrooge" 

Although he, himself, was indeed, a scrooge. Lol

Nothing is the same. 61 degree weather on Christmas Eve. Seems like more tornado shit. 

This was his holiday. && I'm grateful I had 31 wonderful years with him. 

So, today, I will do what I can to make myself okay. I'll meditate. I'll write. I've recently learned how to do tattoos, so hell.. I may even do that, once I get back from Anthonys grandmothers dinner. Lol. 

*Deep breath* *inhale for five* *hold for three* *exhale for five*

I've got this. 

No matter what, I'm always going to carry padre with me. I'm a part of him. As were you Taylor. But now, it's just me. && Fuck am I scared of being alone. 

Please help me sister. In one way, or another. I need you. Please padre, help me. In one way or another. 

I love you both. Forever && always. To the moon && back. To infinity && beyond. I promise. 

I miss these texts, every night. I miss my morning texts from you. Everyday. 

Life isn't right. But I know I'll grow, just like I had to for you seester. 

At least I hope I've grown. 

(this was the day before you went into the hospital. The day before you went in, is when Luka started saying papa ) 

Fuck.