it's been a hell of a five weeks ...

November 8th, the day Dustin died. Kat && I went to his grave. I went for you sister. We had a beer for you && him. We danced. We shared stories. We cried. All of it. It was beautiful. It really was. 

That's the day everything went to shit. 

**FIVE WEEKS LATER**

Sometimes, you need the silence. Sometimes, you need to stand alone with the door wide open as the wind is howling through your backyard. 

&& While that winds howling, you light up, inhale, && exhale, thinking of nothing but, I wish you were truly here. The helacious storms were always our thing. Mother was always the one to yell at you, padre, && I, to get away from the front door. Or get away from the patio. So we'd all escape to the carport. && Then it was just you && me sister. 

Now Everytime I'm there && it's raining.... It's just me.. 

Listening to the wind now. It's calming. 

I'm losing my shit internally, BUT, its somewhat calming. The wind against my skin feels fantastic. I can smell fall air. && The rose lotion I have on. 

This is what rooting is. Standing here. Outside. Barefoot. Connected to earth. This is nice. 

I'm learning sister, sometimes you need the silence. But is it for good or bad? Because it's always calmest before the storm. 

Padre was admitted to the hospital, for a blood clot in his right leg, which later was amputated. All of this, is due to his depression, which made him stop taking all meds. Blood thinners included. You know, all the important stuff cause depression doesnt fucking discriminate! 

Anyways, I watched my father, my hero, the man I got lessons from on how to sing, the man who pushed me to use my imagination, && that if I thought I could do something, to do it. Worst thing to happen is I'd learn something new lol.The one who taught me how to ride a bike && swim, This man taught me that you love, through it all. He taught me that, I have hurt people. && I should forgive myself for that. Because I've grown, I've learned. && I continue to do so. My dad. Someone I was blessed with because, a lot of people don't have the chance to have their true father in their lives. My kids are advocates of that. 

But you && I sister? We were blessed. More than I think we ever gave our parents credit for. 

We may have our trauma && our own issues && shit, but it's our job to grow from them. 

Right? 

Padres on hospice now sister. He's finally home. He asked mother if she had called you today. It breaks my heart when he doesn't remember. But, it's dementia. Guess I can say you dodged a bullet clocking out early on finding out we have that gene lol. ((I'm sorry if any of you readers actually care about the jokes, she && I were dark. We survived off of dark humor. It was a coping mechanism bite me.)) She loved it. && I did too. Plus. She told me if I didn't post a dark humor status on her FB when she died, she'd do cynical ghost shit like hide my remote. 

I'm still waiting for that stupid threat to happen sister. Cause, plot twist, just because you're someone's legacy contact, doesn't mean you control their profile.. idiot. 

I miss you. I wish you could be around to see these moments lately. Or to help through them all. Life just got so much harder, but all I can think is, "damnit man, you really should be here" 

It's a shit show down here without you sister. Maybe that's the entire idea of this blog. For gods sake, who the hell has tornados on DECEMBER 11?!? 

NOT TN THATS WHO!! not usually anyways. 

I miss you sister. I hope you're around padre as much as he sees && hears you. We always needed you. You were always important. && I'm sorry we were so shitty at showing it to you. 

I love you. Forever && always. To the moon && back. To infinity && beyond. I promise. 

its so weird when I put this hoodie on now. I remember this day, clear as shit. I miss you sister. 

Rest peacefully little sister. Please.