This is a whole new level of hard sister.

It's a whole new level of hard, bringing your father home to die. It's so hard, to see him in the condition he is in. I miss his smart ass remarks. && He's still right here. 

I've been here everyday since he's been home sister. && If the thought of moving in didn't give me anxiety, I probably would have done it already. 

There's so many memories here. Between us, && our shit. To my demons that I had to fight. All of our demons. Hence the bittersweet of the thought of buying it. Renting it. Something. 

We put the blanket I made for padre on him the first day he was home, && he wouldn't stop touching your face. Of everyone on the blanket, uncle Kevin, uncle Jim, grandma, grandpa, && you, your face was the one that had to be within reach. 

It's so hard to watch this sister. To physically watch him deteriorate. I knew it was inevitable. But that doesnt stop the fact that no one could ever be prepared for this. 

Maybe if you were here, everyone would cope a little better. I honestly don't know what to even call what I'm doing. Because I'm simply existing. I havent really felt any emotions since padre && I cried together in the hospital room. && It was because the conversation went like this. 

He kept seeing you. He kept telling you that I was here with him. Then it was uncle Kevin, && uncle Jim. Then he saw his dad, then his mom, && our cousin Jenny's grandma. 

It's like he clicked into realization, because out of the woods he came. He wasn't confused, he knew where he was, he knew who I was. He teared up, a tear rolled down his right eye, && said, 

"Sofi, do you know how hard it is, to know you're dying, but you don't want to yet?" 

&& Then, he was back to being confused. 

When we were in his room, 120, we had another conversation or moment I guess you could call it. I remember him crying when the Dr told him, he could go home. Padre shook his hand && said thank you for everything. 

Since he's been home, there isn't much consciousness. Day three of him being home. && I'm just, existing. I'm trying to help mother as much as I can sister. But fuck this shit is hard. It's hard to see him like this. It's hard to juggle my own family shit. My own mind. My own demons. 

We need you sister. A few people have come by lately. && It's mostly people from your past. Before the trauma. Before the drugs. At least the heavy use of them. I can't say before the alcohol because, that started pretty early anyways. Cassie, bree. Thank you for changing her life. 

I'm sure she'd also say thank you if the circumstances were different. I honestly don't even know if you guys read this. But just in case. 

We bought you some Christmas decorations sister. I need to go set them up. It's just, freezing outside today. ((go figure. Tornado warnings && watches one day, && frozen ground the next)). 

Something else I need to do, is clean off your site. Idk what all to leave && take though. That's the hard part of it all. 

I guess I'm going to go listen to my inner monologues now. Between a baby crying, && me myself && I. It's pretty damn loud in my head. I had the perfect thing to say on all of this, but, I lost it somewhere in the shit show going on in my head. I apologize. 

I love you sister. I miss you. So so much. 

Plz help take care of padre. Be there waiting for him when it's time.