December 21, 2021

I know you were standing there waiting for him. I know you were helping him stay asleep with the temperature he was at. I hope you plan on haunting Jill for being the bitch she is. 

I'm so happy we got the time with padre that we did. It makes me wonder, had you stuck around, would he still be here? He only gave up because you did. I hope you two are together again. Partying it up. 
I hope you're waiting for us. 
But fuck is this hard. Hot damn does it feel wrong. 
Time should had stopped the day you died. But it kept going. Things kinda went back to normal....ish. if that's even what we could call it. 
But the morning I knew that was it for padre, time froze. && He took his last breathe. && Instantly, I felt like I did when I saw you under that sheet. 
Time, stopped. It got harder when the funeral director came && picked you up from the house. After we held your hand for maybe an hour. We played music for you, for an hour plus some since we played it for the two days before you were gone. 
I know you told me to be strong, but am I allowed to have these moments of weakness? Because all I've spend today, is sit on the couch && stare off. Occasionally uncontrollably cry. And throw up. 
None of it feels right. Taylor, none of this is right. I feel so alone. && I know I'm not. But fuck. I feel, so alone. You left us. Now padre. && I know he's so much better than he woulda been here on this shitty earth. 

I just have to work on it right? 
This shit doesn't feel like christmas. This shit was padres thing. His favorite holiday. It'll never be the same. 
Maybe I'll get a tattoo tonight. Idk. Because what do we do when we don't know how to cope? We self harm in the most harmless of ways. Tattoos, hair dye, cutting our hair, new piercings..... The works. Because why not. 
Better than the alternative right? 

I miss you sister. So so fucking much. I stg you better had been standing there waiting for him. Or else. 

I love you. Forever && always. To the moon && back. To infinity && beyond. I promise. 

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