Holidays. If that's what I can call it now.

It's so weird. It doesn't feel like a holiday so to speak. I'm in all black. Per norm, wearing your spaghetti strap shirt, your choker, your makeup, && your bracelets. 

You should be here sister. Padre should be home, we should be drinking a bottle of Stella Rosa. 

But alas. This year, we won't be. 

It's raining. So, the weather is fitting. 

It definitely is nowhere the same without you sister. Eating potatoes, isn't the same, the deviled eggs. Everything. Nothing. Is. The. Damn. Same. 

I was beyond grateful that Anthonys grandmother had us for Thanksgiving. Me, the boys, mother. But with padre in the hospital, && you gone. It's just not the same 

Thanksgiving, isn't, Thanksgiving. Just like Christmas isn't going to be Christmas. 

Everything is so different. Your birthday, my fucking birthday, Thanksgiving, soon to be Christmas, new years. Everything. 

I hate grief. It works in different ways. Holidays are different as shit. I can officially say that. 

It hurts. You not physically being here, it is a whole ass different reason to be fucking terrified. 

I left your headstone with two plates. 

December 4, 2021 

45 mins until it's December 5th. 

I'm still lost as shit. 

As soon as it hit December 1st, it clicked sister. It, all of it settled in. You've been gone for ten months. I thought one through nine were hard. But fuck man. You're everywhere. In every memory on fb, Instagram, Snapchat. Everything.. my bookshelf was finally done, so I got to burn that. (Thanks John)

We burned it December first. So it was an automatic double anxiety kinda night lol. 

I miss you. I miss your random ass outbursts. Your one-three a.m calls. Just because you needed me. Hearing you yell "MOVE!!!! I HAVE TO POOP!!" 

holidays aren't holidays anymore sister. Mainly because you aren't here. There's no one sitting on the opposite side of me getting drunk on wine, or a drink one of us mixed. There's no one sitting on the opposite side of me, insulting everyone, because that's the only way they know to show affection. There's no one on the opposite side of me, talking to me, through our heads like we did. 

It's empty. I honestly don't care about Christmas this year. && Damn is it hard to pretend to. With three boys, you have to. && Sister?? The boys, Anthony, mother && padre ((especially padre right now)), Rachel, && Kat, ale, && e.c?? .... Idk if I could do this. Shelby, Conner, Maci are in that mix too. Along with Branson. 

Austin && I have kinda drifted. But it's because of the sadness. Sometimes you can't help it. 

But, alas. I'm here. Trying to live this stupid life that you gave up on for you. Because.... Ya know.. obvious reasons. 

I miss your stupid face seester. I miss your smile where I could see your silver toof. I miss your random outbursts, && your need && want to take a picture with everyone you were with or around because, && I quote "you never know." 

I love you sister. Forever && always. To the moon && back. To infinity && beyond. I promise. A million && one ones. 

I miss you. I think more than you could had ever understood.. this world isn't better without you. it's so much harder for so many people. 

Thank you for being the light in so many of our lives sister.