29 mins until Christmas. (now tis Christmas)

11:31. That's what time I'm starting this. I just want my mind to shut the hell up. 
I'm so damn sad. I tried to watch it's a wonderful life, because, we all know, it was padres favorite Christmas movie ever. We both grew up on it. We'd watch it on repeat.. I cried earlier be auss on Amazon, it glitched then wouldn't play. 
I just want this to feel right. && It doesn't. 
Nothing about this feels right. 
I gave kat her gift, && she gave me mine. 
We both got each other "wine tumblers/coffee cups" it was absolutely beautiful. It reminded me, I have to keep fighting this shit. I have to. 
Sister, when I say my mind got so damn dark today, I just wanted to lay on the couch && cry. && Sleep. But I didn't. I got the fuck up. && I can't lie, it was one of the hardest things I've done in a while. Taking care of tiny, one of the hardest things. Sitting here right now, watching frozen... One of the hardest goddamn things sister. 
11:35. Be back soon. 


I was practicing tattooing. Yes. That's right. Practicing tattooing. It's officially Christmas. && I just wanna be laying next to you, BUT there's a wind advisory. So there's that. 

It was beautiful outside towards the end sister. The temp later today? 70's. You woulda loved it. We could had taken the boys muddin for Christmas. 

It literally makes me nauseous to say it. Or even think it. 
But it makes me so grateful to have kat. I needed my twin soul today. I really did. We almost pulled a y'all thing && napped together, but my anxiety got the best of me. && I then couldn't stop moving. But I was doing nothing. Just pacing. From one end of the room to the next. 
So here I am now, getting a tattoo fixed... my derp zero, next? Side boob tattoo 🤣

I'm losing it without you two here sister. It's not the same. It's not right. It literally doesn't feel like it should. 
Considering it's suicide that took you both from me, imma be selfish. Imma be bitchy about the matter. I'm going to scream, && yell, because, fuck man. The shit hurts. I wish Logan woulda messaged me, he sent me a friend request two days before his suicide. && We were childhood best friends. I hadn't seen or heard from him since high school. It's things like that that rest in my mind sister. What if, they're reaching out, because, they know, they're not alone, but then the demons get louder. && Thats all you can hear. 
Three in a year. && I'm over it. 

My minds scared me lately sister. But no need to worry. 
I'm taking my meds. I'm not meditating like I should be. But I'm alive. So, there's that. 

I love you sister. I miss you. I'm going to go savor this pain now. 
I love you padre. I miss you. So so damn much. 

im living for you two. I'm fighting for you both now. We got this. 

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