I just need a hug from you.


I saw this on FB. && I started typing this long post, but then I realized, the select few that still reach out, && say, I miss her. They're usually the ones who read these. 
So I'll just say what I was going to, here. 

I sometimes am still in awe at how many people regretted not reaching out to you sister. But damn did those numbers dwindle down the longer it had been. There's only a few select few that are still longing for you to be here. That still miss you. There's still a select few, like me, that, need you. 

I can't be mad at some of the people that showed. Because life does happen. && Maybe they regretted losing connection with you, because it was more than likely a stupid fight, or just, choices made. Who knows. I just know life happens. && The people that still reach out, feel so responsible, they're still so sorry, etc. 
It just, shows me sister, you truly were a huge impact on people's lives. You truly were a light to them. 


Side note, in reality you really did give out a lot of love. && Honestly, I don't think I really saw you get a lot of that love back. Only from certain people. 
So I understand where you're coming from when you said, you're tired of feeling so much. Because, same sister. I get it. I really do. 

I hope you're with padre right now. && Since all of this shit has started. I've heard your name more from his mouth than anyone's in a long time. He swears he can see you. && While I was losing my shit after rushing yesterday, to be by his side so mother could sleep, all I could hear, was you. "It's okay sissy. Please breathe" over && over. It gave me the pimples of goose. Every. Damn. Time. I heard you. 

He's not doing so well winning this battle sister. It's been a hard ass five weeks. Just when I thought my depression was getting better lol. *Knock* 
*Knock*
*Knock*
"Who's there?!?"
"LIFE BITCH!" 

I feel like it would be nice to feel like I could breathe. It truly would. But as the old therapist said "this is grief. This is healing." Going two steps forward to go ten back. It's exhausting. 
Today's one of those days where I will gladly say fuck you for leaving. Because damn. I miss you. I need you. Padre needs you. 
So when he says he sees you, Uncle Kevin, Uncle Jim, grumpy grandma, grandpa, && even spotty? 
I can't help but wonder, are you allowed to roam when it's situations like this? Where you know your family needs you? Because we do sister. 

I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here. 
How do I do this sister? How do I help? Give me a clue. Damn. Something. Plz. 
I just want people to know that like you, I'm here. Always. No matter what time. What day. Idgaf. I'm here. I have time. && I'll listen. No matter how obscene it is. 
You knew that sister. That's why I always answered your calls at the stupid hours I did. It's why I answered the door at the stupid hours I did. 
You were my safe haven. && I was yours. I miss you little sister. I love you. Forever && always. To the moon && back. To infinity && beyond. I promise. 





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