I understand

Hell, no this isn't a post where I'm saying I understand why you did what you did. But more so of a "I understand why it's so much easier for me to type, than it is to talk" kind of thing. 

The thoughts? They just come. You knew that sister. You were the only other one person who truly understood. You were the same. Our anger, our mixed emotions and thoughts got in the way of our words, but this? Writing? It just comes. The pain, the hurt, the happiness when there is some.... it's just there. && honestly oddly enough, the constant sounds of the clicking make it somewhat easier to process. 

It's simple, if I don't like something I said, I simply erase it, and it's gone forever. My mind won't remember what the shit I said. But words? They're burned there, forever. Maybe that's why I realized just now that this? This is my escape. Things I can say to you and know that your story is still going. Because ya know, the internet's forever or whatever it is that people say. 

I miss you sister. I'm sorry you never gave me the chance for ever doing any and everything I did to hurt you, maybe I didn't know I was hurting you at the time, because honestly, I was hurting in my own ways sister. I miss you, so damn bad. I'm sorry at times, I was a shitty sister. Fuck, I still feel shitty, because no older sibling should ever have to bury their favorite little sister, because life was too hard. I should had been a better hero, your true hero. I know you and padre are having a hell of time wherever you are. Or maybe you aren't and that's just something I tell myself to cope. I haven't seen you in so long sister. The last time was June 1, 2022. I was having a hard time, I looked over && there you were. Sitting on my couch with the most discontent face ever. && by the time I turned to make sure it was you, you were gone. No dreams. No nothing. I have to see you sister. I'm losing it not having you. You know it's been almost three years coming up? Your birthday was hard as shit without you. But that concert DEFINITELY was for you... and me, but mainly you. To have gone with Kristen when you went with her to that venue to watch jelly, and for Kat to come with us. && then for Kristen to have a whole ass moment and leave her ticket in the car, definitely would have been something you would had done. The only reason I didn't is because Kat had my ticket lol. 

Every little event that I've encountered lately, I can feel you there. Sadly, though it's only when I drink that I can feel you. && maybe because in the end that was how we truly connected. I remember you coming back to my house, the night that all the bullshit with Andrew happening, && I remember chewing you out for not coming back until 7 in the morning. I was the worried parent because my little sister never told me where she was. I sat up for hours pacing, so did Chris. I remember when you walked through that front door, I grabbed you, hugged you and just started yelling. "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? I WAS SO FUCKING SCARED WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU COME BACK LAST NIGHT! ARE YOU OKAY?" && you lost it. After rape, you can't hear shit. It's just a constant ringing, && I imagine everyone is different, but the only other thing I could hear besides the ringing, was my plead to him. "Please stop. please. no no no no no no." over, and over, and over. I remember you yelling at me "MAYBE ASK IF IM OKAY SISSY" && you just started crying. So, I ran to the fridge && grabbed two screwdrivers. The Smirnoff one's cause that's what Chris loved to drink. You used to make fun of him because he got drunk off of two. Anyway, I gave you yours, I had mine, I cheered. "Cheers to coming back to me, and not you being dead." && then you told me everything. My birthday is when I got the text from you, "I'm sorry if I ruin your birthday." Padre and mother got the call && they flew to the school to find out what was happening. It took that boy three years to go to jail for what he did to you. I've really really missed you sister. I wish I didn't have to listen to you through your fucking TikTok videos. I'm grateful that you made them, because I have your voice for forever. But damn I wish it was you && not videos. I wish you were still here to sing horribly in my ear or push me to do karaoke with you. Because of your and padres' death due to your own hands, I started recording my singing. Remember how grandma used to ask for us both to sing to her on her bday? She used to tell padre to get us somewhere, because together we were flawless. && that was where the acting careers began lmfao, as background people, but still. ((for the readers, Drillbit Taylor is the movie Tays in along with a bunch of other shit but idk all of it right now.))

I miss you sister. I miss our talks. I miss everything. I wish you realized that this world is shit without you.

Forever and always, a million one and ones, forever and black,

Your big sister,

Sofi. <3