We'll keep dreaming.... until they come true...

Because what else is there to do at almost three a.m. whilst all the boys sleep, including the one I know you're laughing about, && scolding anytime things get intense. You were always the protective one, as was i, yours was just more threatening I guess to say the least lol. I've missed you a lot lately. I'm supposed to be doing homework, but instead I'm sitting here, watching a show called the last kingdom that I feel you woulda enjoyed, and staring at the ghost ball, hoping to see it light up, and hope that it's you. Or padre, I'll take either or both of you right now. But yet, nothing. I think I'm manic sister, because God knows how many of these I've started, and just never finished. Life's funny that way I've noticed. 
I made the decision to get help. Because I finally saw that I needed it. No one deserves the bad side of me anymore. The unresolved, soft, walked all over Sofi. Not anymore. I'm not saying I'm anywhere near fully there. If it ever truly happens then awesome sauce, but I'm only human. And it isn't anyone's job but my own to love me. Well, and the kids of course. 
I hope you're proud sister. I know shits been so different since the last entry, but I mean hey, things are improving as well. I met our brother and still talk to him. Jr's 12, and Aidens gonna be 14. Lu is 2 now, you'd love the shit out of him. He really is your twin. 
Attitude and all. 
Aston's six, going on 7 soon. 
Life never seemed to truly continue after you left, and then again after padre, but I'd like to hope you both would truly be proud. Because DAMN is it hard this time. Truly. To have access to your drug of choice but knowing you can't go back to that lifestyle. To be a single mother to not two boys now, but three. Living back with our mother && you already know how that one goes. 
But hey, I quit drinking, I think. I know I needed to quit when the day I decided I was done, I immediately wanted one. Not saying it's anywhere near easy, but there's still beer in the fridge and I'm not drinking them. 
I told myself I was going to finish this episode, then put something on familiar, something I can do my homework to because I've watched it a million times. && honestly sister, I feel as if I'm going to watch the movie "Sisters" Because that was our movie. I think tonight I'll look for the video of us watching and quoting it because honestly, I don't see sleep coming easy. Not tonight. I have the urge to sit with you, gravesite and just talk to you and padre, but I don't currently have that option. 
So I'll just sit here, and hope that you're reading this over my shoulder, and I'll continue to hope that you touch that stupid little blinky ball under the tv, or visit me in a dream. Because siter its been too long, and call me selfish, but I'd really like to see your face, even if it's just for a minute. 
I miss you sister. Give padre the biggest hug ever from the boys && I. && mother of course too. 
Give spotty love from us.
We love you, to the moon and back, forever and always, to infinity and beyond. we promise. 

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