Babbling brook..... (*KIsses the air* 'PERFECT"!

Song to this blog

"The days that we raged, we flew off the page

Such damage was done 
But I made it through, 'cause somebody knew 

I was meant for someone." -Morgan Wallen "Cover Me Up"



When can you feel like someone is your forever sister? How can I continue to destroy myself day after day to ensure everyone else but me is okay? I'm so goddamn tired and I feel everyone can begin to see it. And feel it. But this is my question sister, is this me seeing my own toxic trait? My own red flag? What the shit is this? I have Scream 3 playing on the tv, and Morgan Wallen playing on my phone as I type this shit like its going to make a damn difference.... it's not like you're going to reply/ 

I'm sorry, I'm just still trying to figure this shit out. This pain, because sister it never got easier. I just got better and better at hiding it. Therapy's going good. Except for the last appointment I canceled. yea.. I couldn't fall asleep until 6 that morning.... and the appointment was at ten lol.

I will go back at some point. I apparently need to. My adhd has hit HARDCORE just now. Because as scream three is playing on the tv, morgan wallen on my phone, i decided to pick up the book I bought today from McKay's which is called Badass Affirmations by Becca Anderson and let me tell you I HAVE TO CHANGE MY MIND. 

This entire "growth" process is bullshit sister. It truly is. Maybe you made the right choice dipping out, (kidding, dark humor, I use it when idk what else to do with my pain to be honest.) Jr had a great birthday party this past weekend sister. It blows me away that him and Luka look so much like you. You really did curse me when you told me I was going to have one that looked identical to you. It may have taken a little while, but he got there. He doesn't even look like the same baby. 

What else is on my mind? 

I'm so lost. Spiritually I guess? Physically of course, I'm always lost in that aspect, mentally? I kind of find myself pushing people further and further away. Whether it be for a valid reason or not. One of them being because of the guy she chooses to be with. One of them because I feel like she should be doing so much better because she has the damn potential, she just isn't seeing it. Another because his anger and the way he lashes out on me because of his mental state, and I can't do that shit again. I can't. I'm trying to heal and if that involves being alone, completely all the damn time with nothing but my boys around then so be it. The fact that anyone thinks that they come before my kids, blows my mind.  Literally almost as bad as you blew my mind, seeing you under a sheet. 


I fucking miss you sister. You'd know what to do right now. I drank the other day. Actually, the day of Jrs birthday. So here we are, Tuesday. What a good day to be two days sober. Lol I miss you sister, terribly. 

Please give padre a hug for me. And a kiss. Give uncle Kevin a hug and kiss for me. I miss him, uncle Jim too! Definitely grumpy grandma as well. I wonder what that reunion was like?


I love you, forever and always to the moon and back to infinity and beyond I promise. 


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