Things I want to say..

Yesterday was hard. Today, was hard, && honestly I can't even tell you why. Yesterday, was flashes of our last few birthdays with charity here, and charity gone. We always took a shot for her, that still continues whether you're here or not. You realize she would had been 29 this year? I miss her. I miss you.   Today, just like yesterday and maybe it's because I'm in this self realization mode because, life comes at ya fast if you know what I mean.... Anyway, today just like yesterday, I randomly had to fight tears && sometimes I lost but I just did the thing I do, where I avoid looking at anyone, taking a deep breath, and talking shit to myself because who better than to make myself realize, I'm not just "the sad girl" or "the girl who's sister died via her own hand" .... But at the same time I am, and this is fucking grief. I realized I do need to be on meds today, because yes a lot of my sadness is grief, complicated &...

This father's day was hard without you padre. I tried to ignore it && honestly, I had blocked out that it was father's day so bad, that I realized I hadn't been telling any of the uncles or my grandpa it. I miss you, so so much more than words can put it. Honestly I need you and I hate to admit it but it's so much more than I thought I would had. There's so many things I just want to sit down and ask you why, alas I can not. && I know that's why mother's drinking the way she is. She's hurting, && that's the only way she knows fo numb it. && Then there is I, who's had so many life realizations, along with the culture shock, && sensory overload on top of me just being the awkward fuck that I am.... It's just been a lot, but I've also seen a lot that I've just felt so disconnected from.  Life happens and it happens fast.. some adjust better than others while others never do && I'm caugh...

I've hesitated even posting anything BUT this birthday sister would had been a stupid bomb one, had you been here. On this birthday, we would had gone all out as in, even better than that one movie we watched && said it was gonna be your && charity's birthday party ((the name of the movie will come to me at some point I'm sure)). We can't even celebrate this fucking day not anymore. I honestly wish that we could just skip it, like the first of February but alas, we can't. Some how, were just expected to keep going and sister I don't know if you understand how fucking hard it is to sometimes. Given the circumstances, I'm pretty sure you do. There's little things though, that I'm grateful you're not here for.. like losing padre, && hearing your mother tell you exactly what you were terrified would happen.  I need you sister for so many fucking things. I've felt myself disassociating so bad and it's for so many damn r...

May 30, 2022. It's another day that has me all kinds of fucked up sister. Why you ask?  For all the people reading, I physically saw my sister, sitting on my couch. && She was absolutely beautiful, but she had this look of disappointment on her face, or it could had just been resting bitch face, I'm not sure.  Her hair was straight, her makeup was done, I'm not sure what she was wearing because it all happened so fast. I'd never been so grateful, surprised, or anything since you've been gone sister.  Was it a sign? Because the last time I saw you, was June 1st, 2021. I had been going insane because I didn't want June to come, && yet as soon as the month hit, you let me know you were there. I miss you.  It was mentioned a few weeks ago by someone you used to know, a lovely ex of your wifes, that you weren't that great of a person, && that she should just stop talking about you because it wasn't doing anythin...